Written by armfeetandtoe
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Wednesday, 30 June 2010

image for How to Pimp Your Grandmother Gran on her way to do a stag party

I had a big problem, pimping my wife, the lazy cow would not get off her arse and do the business. So, I went round to my grans house and asked her if she wanted to earn a few quid, doing me a favour now and again.

The batty old bastard is 98, so she will say yes to anything, wont she? daft as a brush! So, the older she is, the better, and don't forget to tell her to leave her teeth at home. If gran gives it the large, stamp on them!

The best place to put gran, is in the local park on a bench, somewhere near a tree, so on a hot day, she don't get sun stroke or end up lookin' like a prune.

Make sure the bench has slats, so she can use the commode without being moved, and if the smell gets too much, hang an air freshener from the tree.

The best time to start pimping the soppy old bat, is when she nods off, this is easy to achieve by giving her a bottle of rum. Once she's asleep, open the mouth and put a bit of lipstick on, tilt the head back a bit and go for a walk. Most wino's will pay £2 for a quick blow job, where as a drunk toff will pay £20 provided you have put a bit of slap on the old girls face before he approaches.

A bonus is if gran has Parkinson's, because she can give two hand jobs at the same time, and they will be pretty quick.

Don't pimp her for a shag, its a waste of time and money spent on vaseline. Not only that, the old cunt will keep waking up and askin' for a cuppa tea.

Finally, make sure you oil the wheels on her wheelchair, squeaking will alert the family when returning her home in the middle of the night.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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