According to the Sun, some nurse claims she saw the face of Christ on her drainpipe. So who is Jesus trying to convert? Rats and spiders?
SPIDER: I was a hopeless alcoholic. Then, one day, as I crawled up the water spout I saw Jesus.
We all know that Jesus had the common touch. But surely not this fucking common! And the nurse wants the Pope to come round to see it.
POPE: Ach so! Get out der Popemobile! I am off to see der face of der Lord on this Englander's drainpipe.
Because even for someone like the Pope, this would require a tremendous leap of faith. He would have to imagine that Jesus and his father were discussing the best way to keep Christianity alive. And God - in his infinite wisdom - suggested Jesus imprint his face on Nurse Alex Cotton's drainpipe. Hardly the stuff of Revelations, right?
Alex, on the other hand, is quite convinced that this was the face of Jesus. Complete with crown of thorns. After all, we know He never goes anywhere without that. It's uncomfortable, but hey! How else would people recognize him? I mean, without it he'd just be another guy from the Middle East. And now Alex is worried in case pilgrims flock to her house. In other words it's goodbye, Lourdes because now everyone will want to go to Cotton's Drainpipe. Come on, Alex. We all know God works in mysterious ways but this is ridiculous. If I was the Pope I'd advise her to get her eyes tested. But he won't because according to the church these signs sometimes appear by chance and sometimes by nature. As a way of increasing our awareness of God. So what I'm waiting for is the day Christ's face appears by chance on the cheeks of someone's arse. Then let's see how the church explains that one.
POPE: Himmel! Vatever you do, my son, don't fart!