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Wednesday, 2 June 2010

image for Letters to the Editor -Part II from the Colonies! Letters to the Editor Written the Old Fashioned Way!

Myrtle Beach Fun Times: Letters to the Editor Section.


Sir:

I totally agree with the new immigration laws. It is about time our lawmakers did something about the illegal alienation of affection, especially from those people from Argentina.

Sincerely,

Ginny Sanford
First Lady of SC (divorced)


Sir: I have been a life long motorcyclist and avid believer in not wearing a helmet. After Myrtle Beach required helmets to ride, put in a noise ordinance and made it unlawful to piss in the street, I decided to fly into Myrtle Beach this year, take a cab to North Myrtle Beach, and rent a Hog for the festivities.

This is to advise you I will never come back to Myrtle Beach again.

Due to the metal plates in my head, legs and arms, I was detained at the metal detectors at the airport for 8 hours, and wasn't released until my doctor faxed my x-rays. You people are Nazis!

"Bubba" from Sturgis

Sir: I came to Myrtle Beach to play golf, not to be annoyed by uncontrolled wild life. In Long Island where I come from, we brought in a swat team to kill all the deer eating the shrubbery, and the geese pooping on the greens.

At TPC I shanked two pitch shots due to deer crossing the fairway. At several other courses I slipped on Goose Shit and in one particular odious incident, my partner would not allow me a free lift from a pile of the stuff, costing me the hole and $.50. The Fox squirrels also stole all my cheese crackers from my golf cart, and the Course Ranger just laughed!

I'm afraid to even mention the 14' gator at the Heritage Plantation course that decided to hunker down on my $5 Titleist ProV-1....simply outrageous!

I thought you people in the south like to kill everything! When you eradicate the pests, I might consider coming back!

Percey Smithe III


Sir: You people are just too polite! I came for a vacation from the UK and was all geared up to 'take the piss' after hearing about you Colonists. I was very disappointed to meet all you blokes and blokettes from South Carolina who couldn't have been nicer. My wife Ann said she though she was going to 'die of syrup poisoning!" I will have a big adjustment when I get home to
Manchester, that's in the UK BTW, and don't know if I will be able to readjust!"

Martin Shuttlecock RN (retired)


Sir: I can't tell you how refreshing it was to visit your wonderful area!

The climate was wonderful, the people were friendly, and nobody felt it necessary to wear many clothes. It was really refreshing to see gorgeous, trim women on the beach without a babushka! I also enjoyed standing in line at the many beach bars waiting to get a drink surrounded by girls in those lovely thongs! You people are really liberated!

Earl Grey/ Petersburg, Russia

Sir: Myrtle Beach made my whole year! When I heard that the UK all girl band, The Bonkettes, was playing the opening act for Willie Nelson at the Brookgreen Gardens, I payed over market value for the tickets from a scalper in San Antonio, Tx, and hitchhiked all the way there! To say I was blown away was an understatement. To see and hear a group of gals from the UK sing in Korean and sound like they were from Seoul is an experience I will never forget!

Sonny Sky


Sir: Please do something about your pest situation. I had a lovely time in SC, but when I got home a 3" Palmetto bug hopped out of my suitcase, ate out of the dog's dish, and scared the shit out of the cleaning lady when she found it drinking out of the toilet bowl. Now I have to find another cleaning lady and my dog is in therapy.

Winnona Ashley Greenbottham Jr.


Sir: (Following received by E-mail)

HELP! I am emailing you in desperation as I am trapped in my house at 267 Blue Stem Lane! I have been without water for 2 days, my food is running out, and I am almost out of oxygen. Thanks to Mr. Obama's weatherization program I have been sealed into my house due to excessive caulking.

I don't think the $250 stimulus check I received last week, and the improvements will do me much good if I die here! Please knock before breaking in, because I have a loaded gun and will defend myself if threatened!"

Hurry!

Warren L.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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