Written by Frankie The J
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Saturday, 8 May 2010

image for Make sense of sex with Msr. Francois Dubois, SJ This is Msr. Francois Dubois, SJ's new Sexual Study Center in Barboursville West Virginia

Today's subject is sexual positions

Dear Msr. Dubois:

I am a 19-year-old junior at University of Georgia in Athens. I lost my virginity last week (or at least I think I did) at the Delta's keg party. It wasn't at all what I expected, having to stand up in a broom closet while my date ripped down my panty hose and kept jabbing at my crotch. Finally, he asked me if he could stick his finger in my WOO WOO, and I said yes.

The next thing I know he's inserted a finger up my rear end. I told him to stop, that that wasn't my WOO WOO. He just snickered and replied, "That ain't my finger either."

I would like you to give me some pointers on satisfying sexual postions for us newbies. I've read a lot of Cosmo, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, and Soap Opera Digest and there are just too many of them. Plus, with no partner to guide me, I just can't seem to get it right.

Will you become my mentor?

Sincerely,
Taylor Swift


Oh, my child,

Of course I'll be your sexual mentor--a sexual surrogate you might say. I just emailed you two "beginners" positions: The Missionary and Doggie Style. I have free time tomorrow after Mass if you can get up here to West Virginia. If not, I'll meet up with you down south.

Pax,
Msr. Francois Dubois, SJ


Dear Msr. Dubois:

Just what is the Lotus Position, and how stimulating is it?

Signed,
Wondering


Dear Wondering,

Hell if I know.

Pax,
Msr. Francois Dubois, SJ


Dear Msr. Dubois:

I really want to get knocked up so my father will kick me out of the house and I can turn to drugs and prostitution and further ruin my life by catching Black Syph while I continue to cut myself and pop pills, smoke weed, you know, stuff like that.

What position would most likely get me pregnant.

Signed,
Linsey


Dear Linsey,

That's quite a story you just wrote. How much of it is true? How old are you? Do you have any nude photographs of yourself; and if not, can I take some?

The position most likely to result in conception is the Scizzors Flip. You use any postion up until the man ejaculates, and then he grabs your ankles and jerks them up in the air so you are hanging head down.

Let me know how it turns out, will you. And don't forget, I want to take pictures for training purposes.

Pax,
Msr. Francis Dubois, SJ

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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