Written by galgar
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Saturday, 1 May 2010

Xrays revealed that the ubiquitous Tony Robinson has two parasites living in his double chins. They sit there patiently waiting for him to eat then grab some of the grub before it diappears down his rapacious gullet.

Unfortunately they also crap up there, which accounts for his bad breath and that perpetual scowl. He probably caught them after spending many long hours in those damp smelly trenches with Blackadder using the dugout as a latrine. Doctors reckon they must have migrated from his bowel when it became too uncomfortable living in all of that smelly week old shit caused by his ongoing constipation problems.

Joanna Lumley's remarks about her schooldays when she regularly kissed the Bishops ring left many viewers quite awestruck. Just how did she do it? Did he bend over and lift up his frock or did she just duck under and do the job? Please Joanna don't keep us in suspense any longer.

Old Jo's performance on the Nile was also most thought provoking, especially when she parked her fanny over a pot of smoking embers, putting a whole new slant on the word perversion. The treatment is supposed to have a healing effect on loose skin, but let's hope for her husbands sake it's not too efficient...could end up in the divorce court. After seeing the old thing without any make up maybe she would have been better off placing another part of her anatomy over the pot.

Old Parkie has just been sacked from his latest job selling insurance on the moron box because he nicked the only existing free Parker Pen and denied any knowledge of it's whereabouts to the company. He was hoping to make enough money for a face lift after the cat got lost in the creases for three whole days. He's just one of a line of old has beens back on the moron box doing cut price ads to supplement his retirement pension when the real hard up pensioners are starving to death every winter. Shame on you Parkie for using your privileged past to gain advantage and if your need is so great why not get a proper job. Supermarket checkouts don't require any intelligence and the customers won't even recognise off the box.

Would somebody kindly tell the very famous and hugely adored Eaine Paige that she is well past her sell by date and to please leave the singing to a younger woman whose vocal cords are still functioning correctly. The assault on the eardrums was so horrendous that many viewers were forced to change channels or to switch off.

Few of the BBC's early morning female TV presenters seem to have any dress sense because of the mix and match mentality, unlike the males all neatly attired and wearing ties and can be forgiven for being baggy eyed. Some viewers complain it's just too much for so early in the morning especially when combined with all that forced joviality when the girls are obviously wishing the hell they were somewhere else.

Thankfully the girls all keep their legs firmly crossed for Christ only knows what they are wearing underneath...if anything. Please continue to keep em crossed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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