Written by Clark Cunt
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Tags: Books, Reviews

Monday, 19 April 2010

As a sports enthusiast I have always been interested in how to get the most out the human body to achieve sporting par excellence. We all know about exercising, diet and sleep but these things alone will not take the average sportsman to the top of his profession.

A legendary 4th factor has remained shrouded in secrecy for years. This technique is so important that if you can harnesses its power you can improve your performance exponentially.

A mystery to many, known by only a select few, all of which have reached the pinnacle of their sporting profession, thanks to this explosive dark art.

Some people describe it as the x-factor, African Shamans called it "splunkmahumma 'uh 'uh 'uhhhhh" which literally translates into "man juice energy". I am in the process of writing a book that will shatter the thinking of sports science forever. It will be the sporting book for the modern sportsman.

"Matchterbation - The key to success" will officially be a BOBheat publication and will be serialized both here, on the BOBheat blog, and also in "The Mail on Sunday" before its climactic worldwide release. Anticipation is frenzied, the critics are literally beside themselves to get their hands on it. The following are BOBheat Sport EXCLUSIVE!!! sneak peeks at this extraordinary book...

"Playing a match with a full sack will make you tense and on edge. You may have plenty of energy but when it cums to that 1st touch your body will be subconsciously looking for a mate and not be focusing on the game. This will lead to you snatching at chances, miscontrolling the ball and over hitting passes as you mistake opposition players for rival males. The key is to relieve yourself in a gentlemanly manner just enough, so that you feel relaxed and confident but not so much that you go out feeling drained and fatigued. It's a fine balancing act. In this chapter I will show you how…"

"Through my research I have found that some people can harness the great power that cums with a full sack. The fuller the sack the more power you posses but also the more unstable that power becums. Only very few people have ever been able to harness the power of a full sack. Pele was famous for going weeks without cracking one out in order to harness the power and cum match day he could channel, through intense meditation, the creamy white super fuel into his skills. In the film, Escape to Victory, production was set back for over 3 weeks as Pele "filled up" in preparation for his overhead kick money shot. Unfortunately later in life Pele became impotent and many people believe it as a direct result of his unorthodox footballing career prep. The opposite of Pele was George Best. He would be known to knock one out in the changing rooms before KO and even some times at half time while he listened to the manager team talk. Instead of making him incredibly fatigued this would make him feel on top of the world and therefore made him play like he was on top of the world on the pitch. George however was a genetic anomaly and these exercises would make a normal human play like a hippy. These extremes however are very rare and only by mastering the basic levels on "matchterbation preparation" can anyone even consider taking preparation to these extreme levels."

"Matchterbation - The key to success" will be out in all good book stores Christmas 2014.

BOBheat Sport Exclusive

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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