Written by Stump Parrish
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Sunday, 11 April 2010

image for Breaking News.....Suicide - A record of events from the scene On the scene reporter Stump Parrish Just sent this picture from the scene

This is a chronological record of events reported by phone as this life and death struggle unfolded.

The GPS tracking device embedded in a caller's (named John B Mudd)cell phone may save his life. Moments ago we learned that his call to the Semi-Depressed But Unsure of the Real Reason For It Suicide Hotline was forwarded to local police who were able to track his location to the center of the I-95 overpass here in Charlestown South Carolina.

Our Crack, Head Reporter, Stump Parrish was covering an unrelated story on the increase in river traffic by illegal Mexicans and their Canadian mail-order wives . He was interviewing local riverfront bar owner Ima Basterd when this story broke on the bridge above their heads.
When asked what the atmosphere was like in the Bet on Anything Bar and Grille, Mr. Ima Basterd responded that the wagering on the proposed jump was brisk and right now jumping was favored 2 to 1.

Hold on Folks, we are starting to get complaints from those betting he won't jump. It seems that the jumping for dollars crowd is using a smear campaign and dirty taunts in an effort to force a decision from Mudd. The no don't jump captain has requested a ruling from Police Chief Ima Basterd II (oldest son of bar owner Ima Basterd) who is on the scene and apparently setting up a meeting with the don't jump citizens of our fair city. Please note that the jumper has been informed of the official timeout and instructed not to jump prior to this instant replay decision and he has agreed to a 2 minute break for station identification.

Part of the transcript from the suicide hotline has been released and this is how we learned that the jumper's name is actually John B. Mudd and he stated that he has had all he can take of the whole world smearing his good name all over everything they own. He claims to have exhausted all avenues of redress with the legal system and has nothing else to live for. He feels his life is drying up and soon nothing will be left but dust. He stated he would rather join the thousands of his kin that line the bottom of this, his favorite river, than be scattered by the winds to who knows where.

Hold on folks something is happening....It appears that three of the women John is training for his Mudd Wrestling World Tour have been brought to the scene to help. Will the site of these young women wearing nothing but John's name be enough to stop this leap of death? Only time will tell.

Welcome back folks, and if you have just bought a paper, I want to tell you, you have missed a nail biter here today. I am not going to fill you in on the details as you know perfectly well, it is YOUR responsibility to buy a paper each and every hour if you want to be kept up to date. You can order back issues from our subscription desk if you really have to know everything about everything. Now back to the story...Damn the son of a bitch already jumped and I missed it talking to you people. Some days I really hate this job. Other days like today, when it hits me that I just won a grand on that jump, I suddenly feel all warm and tingly. Well time to hit the bar folks and as they say, Here' Mudd In Your Eye.

Hey, Ladies, Hey there wrestling ladies, Hold on a minute, Can I buy you girls a drink? Yes, cool. You know I have always been fascinated by the sport of wrestling. Do you think later we might all go back to my place and you girls show me some moves? Yes, awesome. Let me take care of some final business here and I 'll be with the three of you shortly.

That's all I care to take time to tell you, good night. I'll see you readers tomorrow. look for me on the streets in the am. I'll be easy to spot, just look for the little guy limpin' and smilin' on his way to work. Damn I love this job...Come on girls, let Stump make you feel better about your recent loss, ok

This story was being reported on live by our Crack, Head Reporter, Stump Parrish

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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