Written by Morse
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Tags: Lottery, UK

Monday, 29 March 2010

image for Frenzy Heightens and Search Intensifies for Euro Lottery Claimant Still Unidentified! Still Unidentified Man Talks About Winning the Lottery As Frenzy Builds!

The search continues tonight after it was announced that a UK resident had claimed the $59.5M Euro Millions jackpot, but has refused to 'come clean' about his identity.

Meanwhile, the frenzy continues around a chip shop and pub in Portsmouth where supposedly the winning ticket was purchased by an unassuming man, a regular man by all accounts, and a man many think was the lucky winner.

"Listen, Luv,' said Lil, a part time server, "there's a bloke, comes in here all the time. Sits in the corner, rolls his fag, sips his Stella, doesn't say nowt to nobody. Nice Bloke, wears a long leather Italian coat even in the summer....doesn't sweat much neither...strange innit? No never mind. I know he plays the same numbers every week, 8 16 18 37 43 and lucky star numbers 2 & 6. Never varies, so I axe him one day, "Martin," I call him Martin as he looks kinda like a Martin, " why do you play the same numbers all the time...the odds being against you!"

"Well, Lil, " he calls me Lil cause that's me street name, " it's all in the stars innit? As I git older, I think of me life. I was 8 when I first went to sea, 16 when I got rank as a midshipman, 18 when I fell in love with me shipmate, an ill fated romance it was, took me years to come back round again!"

"I was 37 when I got back on track and met the woman of me dreams, 43 when we got hitched....best years of me life!"

"Well, Martin," I said, " I bet you could tell a few tails, no pun intended, but that still leaves the lucky star numbers 2 & 6....how do you explain them, Luv?"

"Since I've gone straight, I limit meslef to 2 Stellas a day.....but I still dream about the other 6 I'm missing out on, so I just have sex instead....bang, bang, bang, bang,bang, bang....just as fast as I can pull the trigger. Keeps me mind right, if you get my drift."

"Well," said Lil, " Martin, you're sure are a pistol! You'd better get that weapon registered, or you'll surely be held on charges for armed assault!"


"Naw," said Martin, " just like a starter's pistol, had it fixed so it just shoots blanks these days...man can't afford to be a Wayne Bridges shaggin' around town handin' out a million just to get a little bit onst in awhile...me, if I ever won the lottery, first thing I'd do is get meslef a boat and go sail the seas....onst you got that salt air in your lungs, you never want to settle down."

"And a Cook...I'd hire me a cook...someone who knows how to do up a good leg of lamb...with all the trimmings. Yeah, that be the ticket....a fooking cook!"

Times on Line is offering a $200k reward for anyone who can identify the winner before he sails with the tide.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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