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Saturday, 13 March 2010

image for How to drive when you're 103 - Part 2 A Goodly Conveyance

Welcome young ladies and gentlesirs to my latest missive

I have received a veritable inundation of correspondence following my initial instructional verbiabge. Unfortunately I do not understand such Hogarthean terms such as

"Moron", "Ancient Git" or "Oh for F**** Sake Not Him Again"

I must therefore take your mass of letters of proof of my correctness

As more hirsute or intelligent readers may remember my last convoculation regarded the benefits of buying a humble chariot and of perambulating said vehicle at a more than leisurely speed.

As the summer months are now approaching I must confess that I have fallen into bad ways. I have been led into a somewhat working class - and therefore unhygienic practice known as "caravanning"

This practice appears to involve adopting much the same lifestyle as the Romany's or Gypsies of my youth. Those happy free roaming folk who moved from town to town in their gaily painted wagons selling clothes pegs and being accused of stealing cattle and therefore rightly hung

I must confess good readers that I too have taken part in this "free life" and have spent the last few weeks touring our country's highways and byways.

Of course my trusty steed is not what it was and have had to limit my pace to a still exuberant 30mph and have always used my utmost caution in adopting the middle lane on some of our more velicifous highways - especially the M4 and M5

Unfortunately I cannot dear reader recommend this pastime.

After spending a goodly day enjoying a pleasant drive enjoyably undeterred by our fast moving youth - in fact I took great heart in my ability to weave about and prevent these young bucks or hot heads from proceeding at an alacritous or dangersome speed - I finally arrived at our destination

Good ladies and gentlesirs - it was a field of the most rudimentary arrangements. What I demanded after a hard day of careful motoring and educating our young fellows was but a small port and a good openly fire.

There was none to be had anywhere!

I therefore returned to my homely domicile as fast as my good iron steed could convey me. A journey I may add of numerous dangers and a good few days!

I must assure good readers that although this experience was highly unpleasurable I will be speaking in terms to the constables about this land.

I for one find that traveling at velocities in excess of 14mph is genuinely unforgiving on the bodily humors and may insist that some form of Fox Talbot or "Camera" device is used to regulate this inhuman velocity

Mark My Words

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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