Written by Frank Cotolo
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Monday, 2 May 2005

The problem with same-sex marriages is the sex of each person. Should we define marriage as a bond between two people who each have the same type of genitals or only as a union of different ones? And what about the genitalia-challenged people, where would they fit?

For as long as there have been man and woman, the idea of having one mate has been endorsed. Mostly by women, of course, but then again who is the smarter of the two sexes? If you guessed woman than you are correct. Sorry, there is no prize involved in answering that correctly.

There is no doubt that same-sex marriage is opposed mostly by people who are heterosexual and who are followers of a religious dogma. We all know, though, that a religious dogma’s bite is worse than its bark, and same-sex marriage usually emphasizes the dogma position.

The real problem here is that any two people who are together for a long time experience depression, death or daily sadness. It will be no different with same-sex partners. What will change is that there will be more neckties in the closet, where there is a lot more room because the two people involved in the same-sex marriage no longer live in the closet.

This issue, also, is harder on male homosexuals than on lesbians. In fact, everything is harder on male homosexuals, and this is one reason why people become homophobic. Straight men feel threatened by gay men and yet strive to be with lesbians. Many lesbians want to be like men, no less men who have the nickname “Butch,” and often use power tools to secure their identities.

Still, no matter the sex, people in marriages become edgy, moody, angry, annoyed, cruel, grouchy and filled with resent. All people driven by the idea that people should love one another are under great pressure. This, coupled with having to hear their partner fart and belch, is often too repulsive if not repetitive.

And then, there is the fighting. Not just screaming and sarcasm, but the swinging of fists and making definitive points by breaking furniture. Although these are often symptoms of true love, they often make partners nervous. When two people aren’t married, they can leave one another. But married people have to stay together, if only long enough to repair the broken furniture.

When asked to define marriage, 78 percent of heterosexuals polled said “marriage is an oppressive uniting of opposite forces that have less and less sex as the years go by and are forced to take anti-depressant medication.” Even though the results of that poll were made up by me, they certainly prove what marriages mean to different-sexes.

Now there are lawmakers with a problem. Do they define marriage as a union between any two people? Do they condone what some people believe to be immoral and what others believe to be impertinent? Do they approve what some people see as psychologically crippled and what others feel to be emotionally redundant?

There comes a time in every person’s life when death grows near. Some people feel death is the beginning of another life, one in a paradise or one in a burning inferno of eternal flesh-toasting. Still others believe, as Yogi Berra did, that it isn’t over until it is over and then it’s done. No matter what you believe, though, people who love each other deserve a chance to prove it by commitment and show it in public using vegetables. No matter the sexes, people need to be a part of society. Because if we don’t define marriage as something between any two people, then what is next, dogs? And if we are consumed by religion and allow dogma to run our government, then what is next, parrots?

Children need fathers and mothers, but no one ever defined a father as a man or a mother as a woman. They have? Well, maybe we need to change that, too. A father can be a woman, a mother can be a man and a child can be the father of the man and a mother can be fatherly if mothering too much. You get the idea. We need to do a lot of redefining if we are going to be objective about same-sex marriage. Because this is the age in which we live and these are the people whom we live with in this age.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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