Written by evan keliher
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Sunday, 7 March 2010

image for Grandpa Ganja On Problem Solving

When I was a newly arrived refugee from the Rust Belt I thought some of the San Diego regulars might be interested in my first impressions of their excellent city. Then again, some may not.

In any case, it is an excellent city. The scenery is remarkable and the climate is nearly perfect. The ocean is conveniently near at hand, mountains ring the place, and the flora and fauna are the envy of less fortunate locations everywhere.

Still, there are a few areas that could stand some improvement.

For instance, maybe living for decades surrounded by the Great Lakes has spoiled me but I've noticed the climate is somewhat dry here. In fact, I understand the region is actually a desert and really unsuitable for human habitation.

Well, I devoted some time after breakfast this morning to the problem and believe I've come up with a solution. I noticed the Colorado River is nearby and it occurred to me that a gigantic sluice could be built to divert unlimited fresh water to this town's shrinking reservoirs and provide enough water to flood the place to a depth of eleven or twelve feet on demand.

The water problem would be solved overnight and we could concentrate our energies elsewhere.

Oh, I realize some folks in Colorado and Arizona might complain if we took the whole river for our own use, but there are lots more of us than them so it's merely a case of the greatest good for the greatest number. After all, isn't that the very foundation of a democracy?

Then there's the matter of real estate prices. As a recent immigrant anxious to buy property here, I must say I was appalled at the prices for even modest homes. I sold a 2600 sq. foot home (with a full basement and a half-acre lot!) for a paltry $190,000 in Detroit and you can imagine my chagrin when I learned that sum would buy a small house on a small lot sans basement and infested with termites that have an unbreakable lease on the joint's foundation.

Clearly, something must be done about the high cost of real estate. Fortunately, I had some free time after lunch and have come up with another plan

We must put a moratorium on real estate prices at once. Forbid further increases by executive fiat. In fact, prices should be rolled back to a point more in keeping with the rest of the country. After all, forcing new arrivals to live in less than their accustomed style may even be a violation of their Constitutional rights! (Now that I think of it, I'm sure it is.)

Again, some out there will object on the grounds that they'll lose hard won equity in their homes, but they won't really lose anything since they'll also be able to buy property at the new low rates. Someone owning a half-million dollar house now will be able to buy the equivalent for half that amount. What could be fairer?

This plan would give the real estate market a boost and enable a lot of unfortunate people (me!) to have housing commensurate with their station in life. Everyone would benefit from such a scheme and this state's citizenry would be acclaimed far and wide for original thinking and willingness to help the less fortunate.

One more problem. Prop 13 has got go. I pay $4500 a year in tax on a house worth 500 grand and my Prop 13 neighbor pays $65 on a house worth a million bucks. The '76ers fought a revolution over a few pennies tax on tea so somebody better watch the hell out.

There. Three problems and three solutions. All that's required is a little free time after lunch and the application of a rational mind. What could be simpler?

NB-I should remark that the present system would be fine if I should happen to make a lot of money all of a sudden. I mean, this is America, after all, and favoring the rich against the poor is as American as apple pie. Who would gainsay that?

©Evan Keliher

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

Share/Bookmark

Go to top