Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 9 March 2010

image for Review: Party Food I had to supply my own candles

Having sent off my latest review, I sat wondering what I could review next when a blue delivery van pulled up outside with a delivery for me. I accepted the four boxes from the lady driver called Tess Coe, or something similar, and took them inside to see what I would be reviewing.

Judging by the contents, I would be reviewing party food.

First out of the box were small sausages. They were very nice, and easily should be included in any party where vegetarians are otherwise catered for; although, as they were pork sausages, I felt that there inclusion was discriminatory towards faiths that prohibit pork.

There were several bags of crisps of a variety of shapes and flavours. Not particularly healthy, but I opened them and sampled a considerable amount of each. My favourites were the Springles. Cheese and onion flavour, outstanding. My least favourite were the Hola Hoops; they were too firm and I could see many a small child losing a tooth they were saving for the tooth fairy on them. Wotsats were so tasty, I finished the oversize bag before I realised that they were gone.

The second box contained party plates, hats, tooters and a table cloth. The plates would have been useful for holding the sausages and crisps, had I seen them. I did not particularly like the Ben 10 design, which looked crudely drawn. The table cloth was paper, so I subjected it to some stress tests, wetting a section to simulate spilled juice and then pulling at it. It shredded very easily, so I marked it down. The party hats were all far too small for my head, and the elastic snapped far too easily, while the tooters were fun for a few seconds, but very quickly lost their squeak.

Box three contained a birthday cake, again with the Ben 10 design. I am not a big fan of cake, but a reviewer has to put aside personal prejudices. I could not find a cake slice, but I did find a trowel, however the icing was too thick and the cake squashed too easily destroying the picture. after picking the mortar out of the cake that had come from the trowel I tried a large squashy slice and found it moist, but largely tasteless, the icing a little too sickly sweet and there was insufficient vanilla flavouring in it. I'd even had to provide my own candles.

Box four contained more food. Sausage rolls, ham, bread rolls, carrot sticks, dip and chicken bites. I used the plates and put out the food. There was quite a lot. Enough for at least twelve children. I marked them up for quantity. Although I felt quite full by now, I continued to sample the foodstuffs, particularly enjoying the chicken bites. If I'd not been stuffed already, I'd probably have finished them.

Overall, I decided that Coe's party food selection was well worth three spoof stars. I'd have given it more, but without anything provided to drink, the food had made me rather thirsty, and they could have provided candles, a better table cloth and a cake slice.

I'd also have marked them higher, if I'd supposed to have been reviewing them. As it turned out, my son's birthday party was ruined. Look out for my next review when I'll be reviewing divorce lawyers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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