Every night, I try to get some shuteye. Not too much, mind you, but just enough to take the edge off the exhaustion that seems to accumulate during the course of my busy day. Two nights ago was no exception – at about 3:30am, I powered down my generator and announced over the PA that it was time for sleep. I could hear the groans of disappointment from the team, who obviously wanted to go on working through the night.
Something wonderful happened to me as I slumbered. I had the most WONDERFUL dream. In the dream I was running through a field of fragrant fresh clover. As I ran, I realized that I was going faster than I ever had before. I was more than running, I was galloping! When I looked down, I saw that my legs had been replaced with the sturdy legs of a horse. Looking back, I could see a broad horses back extending from my own. I was a CENTAUR! One of the most FABULOUS MYTICAL BEASTS!
Over hill and dale I raced, stopping only occasionally to eat some of the delicious grasses that grew so abundantly in my dreamscape. When I awoke two hours later, I was a man possessed. I HAD TO MAKE MY DREAM COME TRUE.
I activated the warning klaxon and called all hands to their respective stations. “Attention, attention,” I screamed through speakers located in every part of the compound. “I have had a wonderful dream. To be happy, my dream must come true. For my dream to come true, I must become a CENTAUR. To become a CENTAUR, every one of you will need to do your jobs as you never had before. To do your jobs as you never have before, you will need to eat a good and hearty breakfast. To eat a good and hearty breakfast, the cooks will need to scramble many eggs, fry many rashers of bacon, and prepare mounds of biscuits and great lashings of fresh cream. To scramble many eggs, fry many rashers of bacon and prepare mounds of biscuits and great lashings of fresh cream, someone will need to go to the grocery store. For someone to go to the grocery store, they will need to drive. In order to drive, the mechanics will need to prepare the convoy and make certain it is fully road-worthy. To ensure that the convoy is road-worthy, test drives will need to be conducted. For effective test drives to be conducted, a suitable test track will need to be constructed. For a suitable test track to be constructed, detailed surveys will be needed of the area immediately outside the compound walls. To do a detailed survey of the area outside the compound walls, a security detachment will need to be sent to neutralize any enemies that might be there. To neutralize any enemies that might be there, bullets will need to be made in abundance. To make bullets in abundance, a team of miners will need to extract lead from beneath Mount Lam. To extract lead from beneath Mount Lam, engineers will need to analyze the mountain to determine the most sensible ways to reach the ore deposits. To determine the most sensible ways to reach the ore deposits, satellite images will need to be poured over in detail. To pour over satellite images in detail, a new satellite will need to be launched. In order to launch a new satellite, scientists will need to create a new geosynchronous trans-strata imaging technology. In order to create a new geosynchronous trans-strata imaging technology, someone will need to attain a degree from one of the world’s leading technical universities. In order to attend one of the world’s leading technical universities, that person will need to do very well on their entrance examination and also get great grades from a top-flight undergraduate program. Getting great grades and doing will on an entrance examination will require that this person attend a great high school and do exceptionally well. Attaining the right high school placement and great grades will require that our student be a true “golden child”. Producing and rearing a “golden child” will mean that close attention be paid to the child’s genetics – as will as its environment. To pay attention to the child’s genetics, we will need to scour the globe for a female that perfectly complements all of the best traits of ANDY LAM. To scour the globe for the mother of my child, photographs of women will need to be scanned by a special team of geneticists. To assemble this team of geneticists, kidnapping squads will need to be dispatched to research centers and universities around the world. To put these teams in place, we will need to secure airline tickets to cities near the research centers and universities where our targets work. To get these airline tickets, we will need to go online. I’m on it.”
And so, I went online and purchased airline tickets.
Then I realized that the plan I had put in place would take more than 25 years to show results. This was too long. I wanted to have my DREAM come true right away. Being smart, I decided to enact my plan AND enact plan B.
Plan B consisted of me buying a pony. Euthanizing and then dismembering said pony (being careful to eat those parts of the pony thought to be edible), I had the body frozen for grafting. Once the pony was broken down into its component parts, I had a surgeon (even though I HATE doctors) carefully attached the pony’s trunk and rear legs to my body. The surgeon understood that every nerve and blood vessel would need to be attached to my own and that some how, the pony’s spine (and spinal column) would need to be fused with mine as well.
The surgery lasted two days.
This morning, when I woke up in the recovery room, I felt very different. I looked down and noted my feet were still in place (I’d asked that the Doctor not cut off my legs, in case the plan did not work). I stamped my right foot, and then my left. So far, so good. I turned my head. IT WORKED! I was a CENTAUR! From the small of my back, the pony’s body (now a part of MY BODY) stretched out. As if by instinct alone, I swished my tail and shifted on my strong new rear legs.
“Easy boy,” said a nurse upon entering my room, “you’re going to need to take it slow.” Slow, I thought to myself, Andy Lam doesn’t know that word. With a buck and a jump I ran into the hallway! CENTAUR COMING THROUH I YELLED!!!
I ran out into one of the pastures and really ran – as fast as I could. Unfortunately, my man legs can’t run that fast and the pony legs can run REALLY FAST. The result of this little mismatch was that I kept plowing into the ground. I hurt at first, but as with everything else, I, ANDY LAM, had a solution. In this case, solving the problem was a snap. I simple “obtained” a scooter. Now, I can stand on the scooter and use the pony legs to propel me at super high speed. It is quite a sight when I go into town to purchase supplies or when I meet with visiting heads of state. (They really like it when I put my saddle on and give them rides around the compound!)
Now I finally feel complete.
More than a man, and yet less than a horse, I am . . .