Written by Earl Grey
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Tags: moscow

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

image for Drunken Neighbour In Rambling Rant Don't open the door to him!

Only just midday in the Moscow suburbs. The sun was shinning and it had finally stopped snowing. A pleasant day for National Defender of the Nation Day. Or so I thought.

The doorbell rings. I'm in the middle of a work project. I ignore it. My wife is out, I'm not expecting company and I've work to do. The doorbell rings again. Once more. Again.

I decide to open the door. Big mistake. It's Ivan from one of the flats upstairs. Ivan is drunk. Ivan is always drunk. Ivan is a drunk. Ivan has been drinking. You get the picture.

Ivan begins to talk incoherently, waving a bottle opener around. I apologise and say "Ya ne panimayu"-I don't understand. This has no effect on Ivan. He continues to babble on, talking nonsense. Remember, it's only midday. There is plenty of time for more drinking.

I attempt to close the door. Ivan doesn't want me to do this. He tries to block my door closing maneuver with a large foot in the door. Sadly for Ivan, I've spotted this and I'm too quick for him. The several bottles of vodka have clearly slowed his reactions.

The door closes. I hear Ivan ringing my next door neighbour's doorbell. I send a text message to her to warn her who it is. Not today Ivan. We are not going to be bullied into giving you drink and food.

One day Ivan will be found out in the snow, still clutching a vodka bottle. One day, but not today.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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