As the Winter Olympics continue in wherever the hell they're taking place in this year, other athletes and sports people were wondering why exactly the Winter Olympics takes place at all.
'Don't ask me', four times gold medal-winning decathlete Daley Thompson said, 'I mean, it just seems like a lot or boring gits from cold countries nobody wants to visit playing boring games and jumping off things and going down things in sledges and generally being boring gits, doesn't it? I mean, what is the bloody point of skijumping? You put on some skis and go down a slope and fly through the air and then land again on your feet, hardly sport is it?'
'As for curling ... OK, it's a skillful game and all that but so is Monopoly and darts, and any sport those heathen Scots have invented is definitely iffy, isn't it? You probably need to knock back a bottle and a half of double malt whisky during a match just to stop yourself from getting hypothermia!'
The Winter Olympics includes events such as - 4 X 4 snowman building, with marks deducted for making any that have ghastly facial expressions or look like Hillary Clinton, or both; throwing snowballs at moving Barack Obamas, bonus points being given for hitting their cheesy grins; managing to stay upright on a reproduction of a cracked, ungritted British pavement in the winter for as long as possible; clay migrating starling shooting, the only event Italy has sent a team to the Games to compete in; the laughing at soft Americans/English/Swedish people who complain when it snows, usually a close contest between the Canadians, Scots, Norwegians and Russians; the 10 km. walking through the snow and ice dressed in only jeans and a tshirt, traditionally won by young mothers pushing prams who represent Scotland or England; building ice houses as you have nothing better to do because you're such boring people, inevitably won by the Norwegians every four years; the picking grit out of the soles of your shoes marathon that lasts four hours; yodelling while snowboarding through miniature models of the Alps while being pursued by Nazis and Julie Andrews; the 800 metres pub crawl, points given to contestants managing to have one drink in each of 32 pubs and bars specially built along one street for the Olympics, traditionally a close contest between the Scots, the Irish and the Russians; dressing up in ridiculous woolly jumpers and growing beards and winning the Eurovision Song Contest, gold medals won many times by Norway though Eastern European nations are expected to bring a strong challenge to this year's Games.
The opening ceremony featured Norwegian folk band Four Bjeards and a Bennie playing their hit record 'How We All Enjoyed Seeing Napoleon Being Crushed By The British And The Prussians At Waterloo', and the traditional lights show of letting off a single ship's distress flare as the Swiss Air Force's three radio-controlled toy helicopters majestically flew past at two feet above the ground.
'The Winter Olympics bring together all the ... er ... traditional wintery sort of stuff that bores the pants off everybody else', Chairman of the IWOC Sir Heinrich Flugelhorn said, 'and we hope to introduce some exciting new sports at the next games.
Synchronised cowbell ringing, skating on thin ice - which of course may lead to a few fatalities to boost our television ratings - the smuggling of German war criminals from Germany across the Alps to Switzerland and then on to Italy and Vatican City and off to South America steeplechase;
avalanche surfing; and glacier racing, where teams ride glaciers in a race to see which team can win the one inch sprint, which may take a few years, of course. But we decided not to include Arctic fox sled racing, as it would have taken 300 of them just to pull one sled along the ground.'
Sir Alex Ferguson's nose is very blue. With the cold temperature, of course.