Written by Earl Grey
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Friday, 19 February 2010

image for The Gospel According To St Elton Jesus led his disciples into the Jerusalem bar on leather night

And Jesus did enter into James' house and didst say unto him "You are my beloved. I love you more than any of the other guys who I hang around with."

And James did blush at the words of Jesus. For James did worship Jesus and did regularly go down on his knees before him.

They went to James' bedroom and they did remain there for three whole days. On the third day they rose, as if from the dead. And Jesus did stand before James naked and said "Take this, this is my body. Do this in memory of me."

Judas had seen what had happened and he was struck by jealousy because he coveted his neighbour's ass. Judas went to the local council and said "The teacher Jesus is openly promoting homosexuality." On hearing this the council was furious, for there had been an election and the Tories had come to power.

Jesus was arrested and taken before a man in a pilot's uniform. "Are you the son of sod?" asked the pilot. "That's what you say, would you like to find out the truth?" replied Jesus. But the pilot got overexcited and had to go and wash his hands.

Jesus was taken before a large crowd along with Bear Abbas, a very hairy man. The council asked "Who do you want set free?" and the crowd called for Bear Abbas and Jesus said "What a pisser!"

Jesus was led through Clapham Common to the place where men are laid out for all to see. There he was stripped, whipped and strung out. Jesus called out "Father, if you could only see me now!"

This is the word of the Lord

Thanks be to sod.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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