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Sunday, 14 February 2010

image for Courtney Love's speech to the Oxford Union in full

American 'grunge' singer and guitarist Courtney Love made a speech to the Oxford Union today, and here it is:

'Yo, students! Listen, ya know my real passion in life ain't coke or heroin or booze or smashing guitars up on stage, no way, Elvis Presley! No, what I really love is quantum physics, man, and all that Greek myth stuff. Yeah, I get up on a Sunday and get out my computer, like, and my 'National Enquirer Teach Yourself Quantum Physics

or Mechanics or Whatever the Hell the Word Is in 4 easy Lessons' book, and then it's out with my chemistry set! Soon I'm kinda testing the wave-particle duality of a sample of a chemical, then I'm putting a good pinch of it on a teaspoon and then it's out with my lighter, and then the real experimentation begins!'

'Yeah, and those Greek guys and all them tales blow my mind, man, they're, like, wild, ya know? Like when Homer Simpson went on a voyage across the seas to search for the Golden Kebab and all that weird stuff happened to him. Sheeeit, that guy must have been really tripping with all those crazy adventures going' on, he must have been out of it all the time! And I kinda like that story about that guy who fell in love with his own reflection, you know, reminded me of - can I smoke in here? No? Shit! OK, where was I?'

'Anytime I appear in public people always say 'There's that girlfriend of Kurt Cobain's, why else would anyone be interested in her?', but I'm here to state my case as a genuine rock star and scientist and philosopher, and if ya don't like it I got a baseball bat behind my chair that'll be getting a bit of exercise! Shit, how long to go with this crap? OK, right, so, quantum physics.'

'It all began with the discovery of catholic rays by Sir Mike Faranheit in 1889, followed by Plank's hypodermic needle hypothesis. And shit, then old Einstein said that light was kinda made of little bits of light, like a strobe, ya know, then there were lots of other boring geeks doing tests and writing books and things,

kinda became a real drag, borrrrring! Then was more weirdness called chaos theory, which sounds a real mess, and other shit like complex projective spaces mixed up with probability amplifiers, which kinda sounds like that bad acid trip I had last summer in the park.'

'But then we get to the interesting bit, guys, yeah, the math. Or maths, or whatever the word is. So, like, a dude called Steven Winebochs proved that C sin 0 + D cos 0 + pi = around 0 if ya mix it all up with a huge joint and then have a coupla quaaludes and a coupla beers. That Winebochs sure knew his Clarets from his Bordeaux, he can come round to my place any day of the week and get working on my medicines with his groovy equations, far out!'

'And hey, don't think I'm just some wacky bimbo seeking cheap publicity for myself by coming here today! Let me just tell ya about the Copenhagen interpretation, so you see, I know what I'm talking about. According to Danish scientist Nils Lofgren the probabilistical nature of quantum physics cannot be explained by deterministic theory, but is more likely to be explained by a wild evening of drinking and smoking and vomiting out the bathroom window, and generally partying like it's 1999. Which it is, isn't it? No, oh well ...'

'Finally, my fellow science fiction fans, what would we do if quantum decoherence involved a quantifiable dimorphicization in the space time continuum at a new level of electromagnetic mutation in the temporal adherence of subatomic pressures in some irradiated particles, thus altering Plank's ethereal digression theorem?'

'Well, we'd all then head to the Uni bar for a good whack of tequila and cola and then pop a coupla eccies and head off to the park to get grooved out on the local weed. At least that's what I'm going to do, now this speech or lecture or whatever shit it's called is finally over.'

'Thanks for listening to me and not falling asleep, and for using me to get cheap publicity for this University here in wherever the hell place it is, and next year I hope you'll invite Mr. Blobby to come here and address you. He's a passionate amateur archaeologist and writes papers about the theory that Atlantis still exists inside Noel's House Party - er, house. See ya!', and Ms Love left the stage to the sound of one hand clapping her speech sarcastically.

English scientific genius Professor Stephen Hawking was in the audience and later said this about her speech. 'Well, I'm not sure I knew what she was talking about, to be honest, but for her age and wild lifestyle she's still a pretty hot babe! She can come round to my house and practice quantum physics on me any time!'

Kurt Cobain was unavailable for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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