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Wednesday, 6 April 2005

image for Why can't I get a Venti-Extra hot-Soya Milk- 5 shot Split -Breve-Mocha-no foam-with extra chocolate drizzle in this town? James Wilson Explains How it's Hard for Students in Small Towns

Don't get me wrong. I think St. Andrews is a great town. It has so much to offer: a great university, a daunting history racked with drama and golf, a movie theatre, more pubs per capita than any other town in the UK - Yes there is so much here in this place for one to experience and gain insight into. So why, in such an upbeat happening atmosphere, can't I get a Venti-Extra hot-Soya Milk-5 shot Split-Breve-Mocha-no foam-with extra chocolate drizzle in this town?

I think it's not unreasonable for a man to expect a little coffee in the morning. We all have carnal urges and requirements to secure in order to continue with our routine. Coffee - it is not only how I manage to kick start my heart; it's how I live my day. I go to lectures every morning with my note paper, pen, and 1 litre measurement - you try listening to a mathematics lecture at 9am without something to increase arousal.

However, I can't get just any coffee. My specialist diet of high carb, high sugar, high fat, low vegetable content cannot be compromised (I'm watching my weight), it's a strict regime and I need a coffee that reflects that - a coffee called the Venti-Extra hot-Soya Milk-5 shot Split-Breve-Mocha-no foam-with extra chocolate drizzle. In every other city they wouldn't think twice. That barista would just look me in the eye and nod; she'd know that I'm not a tall-double shot-non fat-160 degree mocha-hazelnut-latte-man but that I need something that reflects my intelligence.

There wouldn't nearly be as much of an issue if I could somehow muster up a takeout Massimo, double-strength, triple-shot, Soya-milk, vanilla-extract-caramel-macchiato with extra cream, no cap, hold the top cocoa; but nooooo. Five coffee shops, two tea rooms, and the union café and there isn't a civilized coffee depository in sight. It seems distinctly ironic in a town with computer labs, a Byre theatre, and an advanced viral pathology research lab (I know the truth) that there is neither a draw bridge on the castle nor a menu that can cater for the average coffee binge. Where the hell am I living?

Let's face it. I'm talking about a problem that faces many of us daily and I'm sure we all have our coping mechanisms (Ritalin). The sad fact is, despite residing in a medieval Scottish town in northern England we are still living in the Stone Age and there is nothing us Venti-Extra-Hot-Soy-Milk-5-Shot-Split-Breve-Mocha-No-Foam-With-Extra-Chocolate-Drizzle men can do about it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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