Written by Daniel Bristol
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Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Now, on top of America's healthcare crisis, our nation is currently faced with a shortage of organ donations. As crazy as it may seem, in this land of abundance, violence, and abundant violence, we can't seem to get organ transplants to people who desperately need them, primarily due to lack of donations. Well, once again, the Big Asshole has come up with some really keen ideas that can get us through this shortage of donated organs.

My first solution was, to my mind, the most creative, and requires a bit of artistry. You know how we have those turkey substitute "tofurkeys" that the vegetarians, vegens, and other freaks are raving about? Well, there you go! Instead of real organs, let's use tofu-based substitutes! You could have a tofliver, a tofeart, or even a tofidney transplant instead of those nasty, meat based livers, hearts, and kidneys. I propose we use these "toforgans" strictly on vegetarians, vegens, and anybody who whines about the environment.

Of course, we could just tell transplant candidates that they'll just have to suck it up and do without that badly needed heart, liver, or kidney for a while. However, the problem begins at the DMV. You know those organ donor cards they try to get you to fill out like the fucking morbid-ass vultures they are? Well, the DMV can help resolve the crisis they helped to create with that ever-so-friendly "Here! Fill out a DONOR'S CARD! MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA!" Can you see where I'm going with this? Of course you can. The problem is not a lack of organ donations, but a lack of serious car accidents. I have therefore hit upon a perfect solution: raise the speed limit to 186 mph in school zones. We'll turn the front of PS 49 into a scene that makes the Autobahn look like a freakin' tiptoe through the tulips!

I also thought that maybe we could remove David Crosby's liver and give it to a more deserving person. You know, someone who won't abuse the holy living fuck out of it, which brings me to another aspect of organ donations: abused organs. There are many hearts, livers, and stomachs out there who are maltreated, neglected, and abused ritualistically and are in dire need of a good home. Instead of organ donor programs, let's start "Operation Organ Rescue," where we liberate all those cholesterol-choked hearts from people guzzling 15 milkshakes with every meal and give them to people who will treat them properly. This, of course, leads to the medical problem of transplant rejection, where the human body's physiology will quite simply reject a transplanted organ. I have a back-up plan for that, too: Everyone is allowed to reject a maximum of two hearts. After that, no more bending over backwards for Mr. Fussy-Ass!

Now, since their just aren't enough organs for everybody, I want to give a nod to the liberal, socialist-leaning left that is sure to make their pinko hearts swell with joy. Let's say you have 1500 heart patients, all of whom need a transplant ten minutes ago, but only one heart for all of them. What do you do? Simple! It's called "sharing"! You split up the available organs so that everybody gets a little piece. Hey, it's better than the other solution I was going to offer, where we could have solved our organ-donation shortage and put an end to homelessness at the same time!

Now, all these solutions could be difficult to implement, not to mention downright costly. So, I've come up with the greatest idea that is sure to raise awareness and bring this crisis to an inevitable ending. You know all those slasher/horror movies where you're garunteed to see at least one spleen? (How's that popcorn, by the way?) Well, in the final scene, where the chainsaw-wielding, Elvis-Mask-Wearing homicidal transvetite proctologist is about to off the last teenager who's cringing in the corner and screaming, have the psycho turn off his saw, turn to the camera and say, "Hi there. You know, we've had some fun here tonight disemboweling teenagers, but ripping organs out of people's bodies is no laughing matter." [Cornyn Flute and Guitar Music Kicks In] "That's right, Doctor Psycho," the teenager would say as she gets up off the floor, "our nation is one of the richest countries in the world, and yet there are millions of people who can't get the kidneys and rectums they so desperately need."

Then the psycho guy puts his arm around the teenager and says, "That's right, Jen. America is faced with a shortage of donated organs. There just aren't enough psychotic chain-saw wielding murderers to free up the organs needed," [revs up the saw a little, both laugh], "and there just aren't enough horrific industrial accidents. We need your spleen, liver, kidneys, lungs, colon, and heart today to give someone in desperate need a fighting chance at life. So why not go down to your local hospital and say, 'Please rip out my vitals.' Join us and help the millions of needy, organless people, won't you?" The psycho then kicks in with the Husqvarna and continues to saw off Jen's remaining limbs.

You know . . . thoughts like this might be why I'm not a doctor . . .

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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