Written by The Lampoon Journal
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Sunday, 7 February 2010

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ -Throughout mankind, there is very rarely a time when man can step out from his shoes, float above humanity, and picture the world as an outsider looking in.

From the cusp of reality; an obscure view that annotates his very existence, gleaming through the perception of others from an external standpoint, the distinguishable characteristics; the extraordinary facets which are unbeknownst to the holder, as what they truly are: annoying and imperfect idiocies.

Such was an experience the entire nation of Italy, and more purportedly, Italian-Americans got to share in a collective effort while watching MTV's hit reality show, Jersey Shore.

With greased hair galore, 'Jersey Shore' shows Italian-Americans just how ridiculous they look
"Is this really what I look like?" said Tony Cardilli, a current resident of Manasquan, NJ. "It's like when you hear your voice being recorded and played back for you. I don't really know, in your head it all just seems so different, and not so squeaky. I guess the spray tan and gel really is that bad," he continued.

While the phenomenon seems to perpetuate the overall stereotype of Italian-Americans as muscle-bound, narcissistic, know-nothings, the show's cast tells a different story.

"Listen, it's like we're young and we have fun, you know what I mean?" said a defiant Pauly D, one of the show's most flamboyant cast members, covered in frivolous tattoos, hair gelled to the ceiling as if it were running away from his scalp and the dialect of an aging retarded sailor. "The way we go out, we make it hot, baby. Tanned, toned, and trendy, that's what we do," he continued in an elaborate mix of hand signs and head bobbing.

"When you go out, you either be get or be got," he summarized in intelligible tangents, barely grasping the concept of lucidity.

Regardless of the parallels, Italians are not finding their true persona as attractive.

"Nothing against Italians, but I'm seriously thinking about becoming Polish," Cardilli continued.

© 2010, The Lampoon Journal

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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