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Saturday, 30 January 2010

image for Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism (100 Ideas, Plans, and Suggestions) Governor Cal Jennings needs your support!

The State of Arkansas recently announced plans to spend millions on projects involving education, construction, and social work to help "clean up" the state for tourism.

This is partially being done so that the state can follow the current administrations motto of "Change" (even though most folks in the state think that change is what you got in your pocket to use in the soda machine to get a can of Coke).

Governor Cal Jennings said that "we thank everybody for their input and idears and we might outta use some of them to make things better and such."

Listed below are 100 of these ideas, plans, or suggestions for changes within the State:


1. Rejected State Motto: Arkansas; Where a girl acting sheepish is a whole other turn-on.
2. New State Motto Suggestion: We're training the Young Woman of the future to be footloose and fancy free, not just barefoot and pregnant.
3. New State Law: No more shotguns at wedding, even if your daughter is pregnant or dove season just started.
4. Rejected State Motto: Real soon, our biggest city's gonna have enough people to call it Large Rock
5. Rejected State Motto Idea: Arkansas, where the family of the bride is also the family of the groom.
6. Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "The little pinetree shaped deororizers are for your car...not a necklace."
7. Children who are kept after school for disciplinary reasons should find their parents playing on the monkey bars awaiting their release.
8. A hunting license, fishing license, marraige license, and drivers license will no longer be on the same form.
9. Persons with four first names, such as Billy Joe Jim Bob, should decide which one to put on their nametags.
10. Miss Arkansas pageant contestants to be taught that Miss Congeniality will no longer be the girl who puts out for the most judges.
11. Artificial Turf will be put down at local ballfields to keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
12. The state will no longer base their economy on the amount of trading done at the flea market.
13. All girls in the Miss Arkansas Pageant will be required to shave their legs and armpits before the swimsuit competition.
14. Halloween vampire teeth will no longer be sold as dentures.
15. Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "Remember, it isn't nice to refer to them colored fellers as Porch Monkeys."
16. Locals advised not to say "get the hell outta here, you damned yankee" until after maximizing tourists spending.
17. State wanted to bring in a Sea World: Little Rock, but plans were scrapped when Bass Pro Shops wanted to open a location next door.
18. Sex education in junior high school will no longer include instruction on various positions or the Kama Sutra.
19. Old tires and toilets will no longer be permitted in yards as planters.
20. Old wire "Spools" will no longer be considered acceptable as lawn furniture.
21. Waitresses in fine dining establishements advised "always serve water and drinks in clean glasses. Clean contact lenses are good also."
22. Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "If using flea and tick shampoo on the dog doesn't work, try using them on yourself (and washing your sheets)."
23. Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "When spitting at the funeral home, make sure it's a spitoon and not someone's ashes."
24. New adult education course: Brooms, mops, and glass spray; why these can be used by more than the Janitor in the schools.
25. Health classes in schools will now teach more than chigger removal and why not to eat from the dog's dish.
26. Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "Don't wear black bras with white, lacey tops, even if you do hope to get lucky."
27. State Universities to add Chicken Plucking as a degree program to increase population with higher education.
28. Socks with flip flops are now a fashion no-no.
29. State announces they'll match Washington's first time home buyer tax rebate for everyone purchasing a new double-wide.
30. Newspapers announce that they'll hire reporters to cover the news so that the papers will have more than the comics and garage sale ads.
31. Pamphlet mailed to all state residents announces: "If you want to masturbate to pictures in a porn magazine, buy it and take it out of the store first."
32. Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "A stick of deodorant is not a lifetime supply."
33. By state law, peeing for distance contests are no longer allowed on freeway overpasses.
34. Pamphlet mailed to residents advises: "It is best to excuse yourself politely after belching, not say Good Lord, that shit was spicy!"
35. Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: "Throwing rocks, eggs, and water balloons at fags outside gay bars will only be done after dark, so tourists don't recognize it's local folks."
36. Pamplet mailed to all residents contains chapter titled: "What A Sister Can Give Her Brother, Besides A Blow Job And The Clap."
37. Wal-Mart Stores expected to honor "no shirt, no shoes, no sevice rule".....and not count flip flops as proper footwear.
38. New birth control advice for girls changed to "try saying no more than once, then kick him in the balls."
39. State Livestock Secretary announces plans to keep sheep safe in case Adam Lambert does concert tour.
40. Suggested new state motto: "Even we think Britney was a hick."
41. Pamphlet sent to all residents advises: "Remember that underwear is clothing that you wear under your other clothing, not outside of or instead of."
42. Pamphlet sent to all residents states: "When asked to put out flowers in the spring, this doesn't mean that you need to set them on fire first."
43. Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "When you have house guests, don't tell them you can sleep on the couch if you don't mind the dogs. Put the dogs in your own room."
44. State worker's tool boxes should contain more than a hammer and a roll of duct tape.
45. Suggestion for new state motto: "Less Ticks and Leeches Than Mississippi"
46. The headlines on top of the 8th grade girls' yearbook pictures should not say "Next Year's New Mothers."
47. Klan members should wash their sheets after each cross burning wearing to remove any smokey smell or ash residue.
48. Parents should purchase their children plastic jack-o-lanterns for Halloween instead of sending them out with old KFC buckets.
49. "Roadkill Surprise" must list nutritional value in diners and cafe's.
50. Residents should plan on bathing before skinny dipping to keep lakes, rivers, and ponds clean and not hurt the wildlife.
51. Future Farmers of America and 4-H clubs will be required to teach something other than raising sheep.
52. Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: "Remember that toilet paper is cheap and plentiful, don't try to recycle it."
53. Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: "When shaking a visitors hand, don't use the one you just picked your nose with or that has your spit cup."
54. Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: When trying to pick up a visiting woman, don't say "I can bring my sister along and make it a threesome."
55. Thongs will no longer be sold in plus sizes to women wearing mini skirts.
56. Pamphets given to all state residents instruct men not to greet visiting women by asking "you put out?"
57. New mothers to be taught before leaving hospital that baby wipes are gentler, more sanitary, and safer than a garden hose when changing diapers.
58. Teenagers will be taught the proper and grammatically correct way to say "ya'll want some fries with that?"
59. Kentucky Fried Chicken is no longer the official state bird.
60. Governor's mansion orders new set of fine china to replace Chinette and old Cool Whip bowls.
61. The major use of matches should be for cigarettes and stoves, not fart lighting.
62. Governor says "even though your cat does it in the litter box, don't mean you should piss in them litter barrels on the side of the highway."
63. State motto to be changed from "Incest is Best" to the more politically correct "We Love Our Families"
64. Men requested not to ask out girls who still have cartoon characters on their underwear.
65. McDonald's is asked to start providing silverware with their food.
66. "Pull my finger" is no longer the official state handshake.
67. "Moonshiners" will now refer to themselves as "Rural Distilled Spirits Manufacturers and Deliverers."
68. Even though it is polite, complimenting others on odor and loudness of farts will not be tolerated in public.
69. Teen couples s walking with their hands in the back pockets of each other will be frowned on, even if they are brother and sister.
70. Highway motels will no longer be able to rent "sheep by the night" as a service.
71. Showing someone the middle finger will no longer be "The State Bird."
72. While neatly trimmed mustaches will be allowed on food service workers, beards must be removed (men also).
73. Women in tank tops, halter tops, or tube tops will be required to shave their armpits and visible chest hair.
74. Public outhouses must now be equipped with that little green urinal cake and a clipboard showing the required cleaning schedule.
75. Outhouses must now come with toilet seats and paper, not just holes in boards and old TV Guides.
76. Asking tourist on riverboats or rafting trips if they want to "squeal like a pig" is now outlawed.
77. State to sponsor opening of first restaurant where food is not served in a bag and drinks don't come with a lid and a straw.
78. Beauty and Barber shops are to remove "bowl cuts" from their lists of services.
79. Schools will begin immediate classes to train people how to tie their shoelaces.
80. Bondo and Rustoleum are no longer approved car colors
81. Residents are now required to refer to Hot Springs by it's name, and not as the place where "that there water's gonna burn yer balls off."
82. Employees of state tourist facilities will undergo training in brushing, flossing, and using mouthwash for their remaining tooth.
83. Employees of tourist attractions will be required to hem their pants, and not just "walk off" the extra length.
84. Towns of "Toad Suck" and "Flea and Tick Holler" will be required to change their names on Freeway exit signs.
85. Misspelling a girl's name when spray painting it on a water tower or historic landmark will now bring a $50 fine.
86. Residents learn for first time that a Hefty Bag is supposed to be used for trash and is not a fat woman.
87. Parents are encouraged to tell teenaged boys "get off your sister and pick up a broom."
88. Legislature got the idea for the clean-up when planes landing in Little Rock thought they'd arrived in Haiti.
89. State insists that each county hire at least one dentist for every 10,000 people.
90. New Motto? Arkansas: Home of clean water, green mountains, and inbred hillbillies.
91. Employees in fast food restaurants will not be allowed to pick their teeth with the pin on the back of their nametag when taking customer's orders.
92. Brassieres will be required undergarments for everyone with c-cup breasts or larger (women also).
93. "I'm With Stupid" will no longer be the official state t-shirt motto.
94. Lycra and Spandex to be outlawed for everyone over 18 years old and 150 pounds
95. Free government purchased belts will be provided to everyone not wearing overalls
96. From now on, only three junked cars will be allowed on the lawn of a single wide.
97. Metallic knives, forks, and spoons will replace plastic sporks at all state dinners.
98. Sanitary human waste removal facilities will be referred to as restrooms or bathrooms, not crappers or shitters.
99. Jethro Bodine no longer permitted as the poster child for the state's higher education.
100. Jethro Bodine no longer permitted as the poster child for the state's higher education.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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