Written by lairdbridger
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Friday, 4 March 2005

Sebastian Coe was one of my childhood heroes. The middle distance runner, who, along with the two Steve's Ovett and Cram, formed a mighty triumvirate that dominated middle distance running throughout the 1980s, and lo, into the 90s.
Sebastian Coe, it is said, trained so hard that his heart grew to twice the size of most mortals. This massive heart was only one of the weapons in his arsenal of speed, which allowed him to coast to victory after victory, with his unique flat-palmed style.
Sebastian Coe's running technique has been proven the most economical available to a man constructed of flesh and bone by the aid of computer analysis by the chess playing computer, Deeper Blue.
Sebastian Coe's powers of concentration were so intense that he was able to shut down non-essential life functions while running around the track, his liver, pancreas, gall-bladder, appendix, left kidney, immnue system, excretary system and higher brain functions were all disabled during harder races, if you observe footage of his races closely, you can also see him suck energy out of other athletes as he passes them effortlessly, aided by his perfect technique and harnessed mind.
Steve Ovett was the athlete most debilitated by Sebastian Coe's inhuman power, and even early on in his career, he has the look of a man who has had the very life vacuumed from him. Others have suffered at the mind of Sebastian Coe.
William Hague was a sprightly hirsute individual certain to lead the Conservative party to victory at the next general election, when Sebastian Coe joined his team. Soon after his career, and follicles, were in tatters, all hopes of success destroyed by Sebastian Coe.
Sebastian Coe is now spearheading the London Olympic bid, and is, unsurprisingly, as he works with an entire city, looking healthier and more radiant than ever. Londoners rise up, we must stop this Sebastian Coe monster before we too become crippled like poor Steve Ovett.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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