David Cameron has decided to join Joe McElderry's "Hug a Vampire" campaign. Cameron knows he has got a history of asking people to hug dangerous things (flashback to the "hug a hoodie" campaign of two years ago)
But Cameron believes he has picked a safe charity to back this time and he is out to prove he understands about the policies of this newly popular section of the community.
"Apparently, according to Joe, there are a lot of Vampires in the world. Joe says they've all got a vote and they feel left out. So I rushed in there to say I'll represent them in the big bad world of politics"
"You did?" Asked Katarina (that's me)
"Yes," Said David "I had to get to the vampires first, otherwise Gordon would have gotten all their votes, and I wouldn't have got any. It would be like trying to capture the votes of poor people all over again."
"But aren't you frightened they might suck your blood, whilst you're giving them a hug" Asked Katarina.
"Well, no. I won't actually be doing any of the hugging. I'm not stupid, Katarina."
"So, would it be fare to say you don't care about the welfare of the Vampires at all, that you just want their vote. Because if it is, then it truly is just a repeat of your policy to pretend to love poor people. I don't think that's how you're going to win the votes of the Vampire."
"Mmmm" Said David.
"Did you ever actually hug a hoodie yourself."
"No. I didn't want to. They truly were dangerous."
"I think you might have to prepare yourself for the fact that you're going to lose David. I really do"
"I'll get a lookalike to do it. I'll get a lookalike to go hug a vampire.
"I still don't think you'll win the election, though. I think if you're lucky, though, you might come in fourth..maybe...fifth..sixth. Yes 56th. That sounds about right.
By Katarina Frogpond.