Written by Jerry Cornelium
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Monday, 20 December 2004

There you are on your dumb CDC website, with that smug, self-serving smile, telling the whole world you’re oh-so-proud to be the director of the Centers for Disease Control. But if you’re so smart, then how come your precious little website hasn’t bothered to mention that my chances of being ritually murdered by Satanists are greater than dying from Alzheimer’s disease? Do you have an answer to that, Dr. I-got-my-M.P.H.-from-Berkeley?

All you have to do is ask any old Bob Jones University graduate; they’ll tell you. All you have to do is ask any traveling cult expert; they’ll tell you. All you have to do is ask Scott Petersen’s lawyer; he’ll tell you, too.

Every year 60,000 people are killed in Satanic ritual orgies. I bet you didn’t know that, Dr. Fancy-Pants. And according to your own little web page, that should make ritual murder the seventh leading cause of death in the good old U.S.A., stuck right between influenza/pneumonia and Alzheimer’s disease.

But listing ritual murder as the number seven cause of death would probably take away too much grant money for your stupid Alzheimer’s research. Where is the grant money for research that would put an end to Satanic ritual murder?

I know how you California tattooed, body pierced intellectuals think. Next thing, you’re going to ask me about facts and evidence. But what about just believing the children? Kids are innocent. They don’t lie, you know. Ever.

Besides, there are manmade lakes in Iowa that are built right on top of huge mass graves and ritual sites. Why don’t you go look for your precious evidence there, Dr. I’m-Sooooooo-Smart? Why don’t you, huh?

Here’s something else to think about: another reason you can’t find any bodies is because they get eaten by means of cannibalism.

Which is probably why there is so much heart disease in this country.

I bet you never thought of that. You were probably too busy sending heart-warming emails to your Peace Corps daughter in Transylvania, or wherever the heck she is. But if you stamp out ritual cannibalism, you would probably also lower the number of deaths from heart disease. I mean, let’s face it. Eating us fat Americans is bound to clog up some arteries.

I have to go now, because I can’t miss the 6:00 pm med pass. Please don’t tell Dr. Stoffler that I snuck into his office and used his computer, because I’ll lose my movie privs.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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