Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 21 December 2009

image for Santa's Top 10 Christmas List Sleigh scrapings from last year's flight

Normally too busy to pay attention to himself, what with all the lists to check twice, the elves to watch over, the reindeer to feed and Mrs. Claus to keep happy, nobody ever asks Santa what he wants for Christmas. That was until now.

With an appointment on the books scheduled eight months in advance with the fat man himself, our northern hemisphere reporter S. Noble Chanzinell, met with Mr. Claus to ask him just that.

Though Mr. Claus was noticeably uncomfortable for the interview, clearly focused on doing right by the good kids across the globe, he did settle down for a brief conversation about things he's always wanted but never received. Some of the items below were a surprise, though easily explained by Santa during the process. In order of preference, Santa's gift list includes:


10: Bullet proof Santa suit. "For those deranged bastards waiting by the fireplace with a shotgun just to see if I'm real, or just there to rob the place."

9: Replacement reindeer for my least reliable team members. "After constantly dealing with Vixen always out on the town looking to blow a few bucks, and Blitzen always hung over from reindeer drinking games, it's time to make a change."

8: A lead reindeer with a Halogen flood light attachment. "I like Rudolph, but the kid's red nose just doesn't get me that forward looking view that Halogen can."

7: Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak. "I really need to be able to sneak in and out of women's dressing rooms so I can see what they really like and then surprise them with something they truly want. It's just for good Santa PR. No, for real."

6: List of the naughty girls over 18 and last known address: "Just trying to keep watch over those who need a little personal instruction to get them back on the straight and narrow. Well, more thick than narrow actually."

5: Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots: "I'm still a kid at heart, cut me a break."

4: A Little extra magic dust for personal use: "Hey, even Santa needs a pick me up when on the road for that many hours. Just a little extra? Please? Come on, hook a brother up."

3: Inflatable 24 year old Mrs. Claus: "Don't get me wrong, I love the old girl, but I loved her a lot more when she was 24, if you know what I mean."

2: Anti-gas tablets for the reindeer before flight. "Seems like I can't even light my pipe in case one of them blasts me while I'm holding an open flame. It took a whole year to grow my beard back to the way I like it."

1: Reindeer diarrhea windshield for the sleigh: "Self Explanatory really. Just a safety feature. Nobody really wants to see (or smell) a red, white and brown Santa suit. Trust me on this."

And there you have it. Santa's Top 10. Just in time for the holidays.


Merry Christmas everyone!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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