Written by Jesus Budda
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Tags: Christmas

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

image for Shit Presents for Christmas

It's Christmas and you are going out of your mind trying to think of what to buy for your loved ones.

Well I personally don't give a shit about that.
What I really care about is helping you avoid such dilemma's in the future.
The best way to achieve this is to buy really shitty gifts for them and then they will stop being your friends, so next year you can cross them off your gift list!

Well what are you waiting for? Let's get shopping, man!

Shopping for Shit Kiddy Gift:

You have to buy things for children and you haven't got a clue what the latest trend is. In fact you barely know what age the kid's you are buying for are.
What does an 8 year old like?
What do I buy for my teenage cousin?

Let me help you.
First of all make sure to bring as little money as possible. This will help focus your mind on only wasting money on th cheapest crap.

Remember that babies are stupid so you can give them literally anything. It will just end up in their mouths.

Walking down the street you see a lump of dog shit.

That'll do!

Wrap it up in newspaper (don't waste money on fancy wrapping paper)

One down, many more to go....

That 6 year old son that you refuse to accept as your own?
Well, you'll show him, won't ya!

Kids like animals.

Go down to the local park and find something dead by a pond. The slimier the better.
Put it in a sock and leave it by his bed. Come Christmas morning he won't be interested in being your son anymore. The bastard!

Older Kids

That grumpy teenage female cousin who wears the eyeliner? Hey, you can buy something real good for her.

Just walk into a bookies and place a bet. Doesn't matter if it's dogs or horses ofr football or whatever. Just place the bet. If you win, then keep the winnings.

If you lose?

Well, give the ticket stud to her as her gift. Tell her that you've placed a bet for her and it didn't come through. It's the thought that counts. She'll hate you more than she already does.

Next!


Older Relatives

Granny!

What do i buy for dear old granny? The woman who reared 16 children in a none-bedroomed hovel and never owned a washing machine.

Hmmm.....

You know what she really wants? Yep, well give her the opposite.

Electrical stores sell electrical appliances.: it's the law.

go round the back of your local store and search through the crap they throw out.

You are bound to find an empty box that once contained a washing machine.

Wrap it up and give it to her.

She will be so happy. Watch her face closely as she opens the box. If she cries then you are successful

Another dissatisfied gift receiver!


Uncle Brian.

Uncle Brain is a strange sort. You never see or hear from him all year yet he turns up on your doorstep on the 24th of December every year and expects to be fed and welcomed in.
Fuck off!, Brian.

How to deal with his gift?

Simple.

Invite him out to have his picture professionally taken at a local photographers. He will be very pleased to get all dressed up and be treated like a star.

When you get home, upload the picture onto the computer and print out hundreds of posters saying:

"UNCLE BRIAN
LOCAL PAEDOPHILE.
HE WANTS YOUR KIDS"

Next year Brian won't be around, of that you can be sure.

Other People

Vampires.

Everyone knows a vampire. Some have them in their family going back generations.

Vampires like blood. Well, you can give them garlic formed into a crucifix shape.

Ensure they get their present at daybreak so as to further piss them off!


Nelson Mandela.

Everybody seems to love Nelson Mandela (except white South Africans). He's an old man now and just enjoys the simple pleasures of wearing multi-coloured costumes and waving.

Fuck up his Christmas by splashing out and paying for a special visit from the following to his house: Naomi Campbell, Oprah Winfrey and a Princess Diana impersonator.

The man will not be pleased and you can cross him off next years list too.


I hope I have helped make your Christmas gift buying experience more pleasurable.
If not, then fuck off.


Merry Christmas XXX

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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