Written by matwil
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Friday, 4 December 2009

image for Barack Obama's inauguration speech in full One day America will do something worth reporting

Here is the real 44th American President's inauguration speech, now revealed under the Freedom of Information Act, and because there is no more satire in this website:

'My fellow Americans and illegal immigrants, I thank President Bush for his stand-up routine, it had the world in stitches. Now let's just forget I'm from Hawaii, which is as about as American as China is,

and let's just keep talking about crises and wars and the dreadful state America is in, with failing businesses and the worst health care system in the Western world, as a patriot I like to mention these things. Well, if America wasn't in trouble, would you really have elected a token insincere lawyer that will never actually do anything?

Americans have died in Gettysburg, in Normandy, in Vietnam, in Iraq, and you'd think they'd have learned by now that they're being used by Europeans, but they haven't. There are some who question endless cliches and soundbites with no action, but not me. Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism - well, faced down communism, as earlier generations funded just about every fascist death squad on the planet, and even funded the Nazi Party.

We are a nation of unwanted European emigrants that have never won a war, and so we need lots of talk and movies and baloney to keep the votes coming in, and let's not mention Pastor Wright again. And we pledge to make ourselves seem important to ourselves, when the rest of the world is too busy wondering what China and Russia will be doing to care about the once-important United States of America.

And let it be said to the future world - America has moved on from race and color, which is why I keep talking about it, and America pledges to help poor nations to flourish in peace and with clean waters flowing, unless it's Palestinian water - then we'll ignore Israeli fascists cutting it off, and arm them to the teeth to kill lots of civilians. And we pledge to help your farms and children, and help you steal Palestinian farms and massacre their children.

Some have said that Americans are naive, I am not naive. My wife is not naive, and neither are the millions of voters who voted for George W Bush naive. Americans are simply the only people on the planet that believe the sort of childish bullshit that my speeches are all about,

but then Americans wouldn't notice if I quoted 'Das Kapital', it's all about skin color and pretending America rules the world. Disney's biggest theme park is now the United States of America, and I'm the guy that's been dressed up as a 'liberated slave' to make you all feel that the United States is, well, a nation full of European emigrants that nobody cares about any more now that the Cold War is over.

Thank you.

Suckers.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

Share/Bookmark

Go to top