Written by KendoMonkey
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Tuesday, 8 July 2003

image for Penguins - I hates 'em! Death to the infidel!

I don't really know what it is that I truly loathe about Penguins. I think it's partially due to comments like: "Awww...but the itty-bitty pengy-win is sooo cute!". Hmmm - you have to worry about comments like that. Given half the chance, that penguin would have you on your back, spreading your liver across a Ritz cracker before you could say "Mary Poppins".

I guess I don't really have too much against Penguins...I'd just like to see them all slaughtered, that's all. Animal rights. ANIMAL RIGHTS?! What kind of a crazy-ass concept is that? What about my rights? I have free will, why can't I clobber penguins? They could clobber me, couldn't they? Exactly.

Penguins are one of those kinds of creatures that gets unlimited love (probably in a Barry White fashion) from y'all, without having to do anything except look silly. The waddle, the pathetic falling into the ocean. Have you noticed that once they're swimming around they could seriously kick-ass? Oh no - they're just useless and cuddly and lovely, aren't they. Sorry, forgot for a moment. Ritz cracker, anyone?

And all the damned merchandising! I don't want to grump out on you all too much, but RARRAAWWWRRR!!! It makes me sick, "fluffy this" and "pillow that" and "cartoon those". It makes me want to tear into the Disney Store and have at it with a flaming poker. Why doesn't anyone get upset that the penguins see jack of all the money that they make through merchandising? Huh? Sorry, can't hear you you crazy animal rights activist...perhaps if you took that tofu and muesli crisp bar out of your mouth!

This has been the worst rant of my life so far. In the television tradition of dubbing:

Forget you, penguins!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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