Written by Phred Marx
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Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Whenever this time of year rolls around, I always take time to ponder what in the world the radio stations are thinking, starting Christmas music the day after Halloween. This is a very large oversight-sight on the part of the publicists, because, quite frankly, who wants to cook Thanksgiving dinner to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"? I foresee the day where Labor Day parades will have a Santa float tailing behind leaping cheerleaders in leotards.

Not only is the annoyance factor unbelievably high, but holiday tunes contribute to a lessened sense of human decency, and a exponential increase in mall shootings. "On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me..." Aughhh!!! he's got a gun! Run! He's headed through the toy aisle! Save the children!!!! "... And a partridge in a pear tree." You have all heard the stories of woman tackling people three times their body wieght to floor in order to get the last MP3 player on the shelf, so that scenario is not all that far off. Unfortunantly, some of those who read this (I like to call them the extremist morons) will say that I am being a modern day Scrooge. In order to avoid this description, I have decided to retell a classic Christmas story, heart-warming, and brimming with Christmas spirit.

"And it came to pass that in those days a decree went out from Walmart CEO Lee Scott, saying all the world should buy things. And each man went to give cash, according to their own mall. And Joseph went up to Bethlehem, for he had heard of the sales and had a gift card also, to buy gifts for his wife, Mary, who was great with child.

And so it came to pass, one night whilest they camped, it came time for Mary to give birth, and she was much annoyed.

And she brought forth her fist born son, and wrapped him in newspapers, and laid him in a Rice Krispies™ box, for there was no room in the ladies restroom.

And there were in the same store Walmart door greeters, herding the shopping-carts, and keeping watch over their flocks by night. And, lo, an A-level manager appeared unto them, and the glory of corporate advancement shone round about them, and they were sore afraid of outsourcing.

And the manager spake unto them and said 'Fear not, for I bring you good tidings and an assignment that you may clock overtime on. For unto you is born this day, a child whom will bring to you great savings, and American jobs for all mankind. And a sign shall appear unto you, that will let it be known unto your hearts'

And it came to pass, when the manager had gone away, a voice from the PA spoke, saying 'Wet clean-up on aisle 7'

And the door greeters heard this, and rejoiced in their hearts, for they knew this was the sign meant to come. And they came with haste, and found Mary, Joseph, and the babe lying amongst the breakfast-cereal.

And at the time the child was born, there came three wise stock brokers from the east, saying 'Where is he, born King of all retail? For we have seen the sign of his coming, yea, the many online advertisements, and billboards, and commercials, and we are come to worship him.' And the truck stop attendant pointed left, for which he was given much thanks.

And when the three came, and found the child, the fell down to worship him. And when they had opened their treasures, they presented him with an iPhone, an XBox360, and a 94 inch HD plasma flat-screen TV.

For which Mary and Joseph offered much thanks, and after Mary had given her thanks she spoke saying 'Now that the Christmas presents are doneth away with, where art his birthday presents?'
And the wise stock brokers felt truly sheepish, and slipped away to the local seven-eleven for a period of forty and two minutes.

And when they had returned they presented the child with their treasures of a half gallon of eggnog, a Bic™ lighter, and a fruit cake, for their credit cards were over limit.

And it came to pass that afterwhich there was much rejoicing and celebration which lasted for many hours.

And it came to pass that after these things had taken place, Joseph arose with his family and a major hangover. And Joseph spake unto his family, saying 'We shalt move to Egypt, for this place is too crowded, and this Christmas music hath made me mad."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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