Written by matwil
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Saturday, 31 October 2009

image for 'The Night of Hillary Clinton, the Vampire of Transylvania Avenue', by J.K. Lurking The Vampire of Transylvania Avenue

As the sun set on Transylvania Avenue in the ancient European city of Washingtonja, people rushed home after their day of working in the fields, such was their dread of being outdoors after dark in that part of the world, but one pretty girl named Monica stayed out in the fields, singing a song quietly to herself. 'Whistle while you work, Billie is a twerp, my blue dress is, in a big mess, can't whistle while I work!'

But all of a sudden a terrible howling and wailing began to come from one end of the Avenue, and people shuttered their windows in fear. 'But what's wrong?', Monica asked an old lady who was hurrying to get indoors, 'why are you all afraid?' 'It's the Vampire!', the old lady replied, 'take cover before it's too late!', and closed her door and locked it, but Monica only laughed and carried on singing to herself.

'I ain't scared of no silly vampire!', she lilted, 'no vampire doth frighten mee-hee!', when suddenly a dreadful sight stopped her in her tracks - in the middle of the Avenue in front of her was a ghastly-looking woman with ginormous teeth and hideous clothing, cackling evilly at Monica, and now the poor girl was very much afraid. 'Wh-wh-what do you want of me?', she stammered, and the Vampire burst into hideous laughter and grabbed her, and pulled her towards her sharpened white teeth.

'You are mine now, Monica, I will now destroy you and suck the blood out of your rather cute but slightly overweight body! Mwahhahahahaha!!!!', and Hillary Clinton, the Vampire of Transylvania Avenue, sank her teeth into the pretty Monica's neck, and drained her of all publicity and fame. And so began another night of terror and evil as the Vampire stalked the streets of Washingtonja, looking for more victims to feed her insatiable lust for getting onto TV news.

As midnight approached the city could all hear the terrifying sound of Hillary's voice, destroying whole sentences with her monstrous pronounciations, and a bitter wind blew her delusions down alley ways and into the fields, and all were in dread of the Vampire. But then one poor man called Billiam, who had stayed out at a tavern drinking tankards of ale and had forgotten about the Vampire, came across the Vampire in the Avenue, and stopped and stared at her in surprise.

'Why, Hillary', he said, 'why have you got that old blue dress in your hands? And why is lots of blood running down your face?', and with a hideous cackle Hillary laughed insanely at him. 'Because I'm a bloodsucking Vampire and witch, and will use this dress to destroy you and your career!', she screamed in delight, though Billiam then managed to run away drunkenly from her but ran straight into the arms of the girl Monica. 'Please save me!'. he begged her, 'please!', but Monica had been bitten by the Vampire and was now one herself.

Dragging him into an alley way she opened her large mouth, and then [this is unsuitable for family reading, even at Halloween]. As the night wore on Hillary roamed through the city attacking and destroying a man from Kosovo and an abominable snowman from Mount Everest, and even drawing blood from an African visitor to Washingtonja, one that hadn't heard of the evil Vampire of Transylvania Avenue. But thankfully then a hint of dawn appeared in the terrible skies, and now Hillary and Monica had to make their way to their castle to sleep in their coffins there.

'A good night's work for me!', Hillary cackled in that dreadful voice she has, 'I've sucked the blood out of many, but now I must rest. Come, Monica, tomorrow there shall be more famous people in Washingtonja to prey on, I have my evil designs on that tall dark woman who dared to try and steal my job here for a while.'

'Mwahahahahah?' 'MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!' 'Oh, OK. Good morning, Hillary'. 'Good morning, John Boy', and the night of terror at the hands of the Vampire of Transylvania Avenue had ended.

For now.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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