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Wednesday, 28 October 2009

image for No more 'Beach Ball Parties' at Liverpool matches, as Special victim trauma helpline installed! No more 'Beach Ball Parties' at Liverpool FC!!

ANFIELD, LIVERPOOL: Today at a special news briefing at Liverpool Football Club, Rafa Benitez flanked by Police Officer's from Merseyside's top Police Football Division, including P.C. Dixon of The Docks-Liverpool, made this formal statement;

"My name is Rafa Benitez, the Manager of Liverpool Football Club. This special news conference has been called today, as Merseyside Police have today launched a full investigation into the 'beach ball' throwing incident at the Stadium of Light on Saturday. Liverpool Football Football Club and Merseyside Police condones the throwing of any objects onto football pitches, coins, cans, bottles, toilet paper and especially beach balls."

"Let us make it abundantly clear that at ALL forthcoming home matches at Anfield in Liverpool, the Police of Merseyside will leave no beach ball unturned until we find ALL of them. This is a very serious offence and could have led to many unforeseen and unwanted repercussions, such as losing the Premier League Title."

"We have 'Beach ball boy' in a safe house, so no more beach balls can be thrown onto the pitch. We are also appealing to witnesses to come forward in confidence, to give witness statements as to any other planned beach ball disturbances.

"These and many other questions need to be answered, as there have been many Liverpool football supporters who have been traumatized by the 'Beach ball' defeat at the Stadium of Light.. It is with these Liverpool supporters in mind, we have established a Special trauma helpline, to be called Beach ball trauma helpline."

"Here at Merseyside Police, we appreciate that the Referee should have ruled the goal out and, instead, ordered a free-kick after the ball struck an "outside agent". That is why we have initiated the 'Beach ball trauma helpline' and started this campaign to outlaw beach balls."

"Again, I stress to the members of the public, serious beach ball misuse is a potential criminal offence. As a line of enquiry, we will be announcing a beach ball amnesty in the whole of Merseyside and we ask all owners of beach balls to give them into their local Police Stations."

"May I address anybody who is planning another 'Beach ball party' at a Liverpool football match.. We will find you, so give yourselves up before the hundreds of Police dogs of Merseyside Constabulary get you instead!!"

"I will take a couple of questions from the Worlds Press."


"Schwarzenegger, California Governor and guest writer for the LA Times, while in Liverpool. A question for P.C. Dixon of The Docks-Liverpool. In catching future 'Beach ball' misusers, would you mind if I make another new Terminator film based in Liverpool, with the Terminators rounding up all these beach balls on Merseyside?"

P.C. Dixon of The Docks-Liverpool: "Good question Arnie. That would be a good idea for Terminator to help round up these all these beach balls. It is a question of how many buildings you need to knock down on Merseyside, when making the film!!"

"Sylvester Stallone, US Film Actor and patriot. A question for Rafa Benitez, the Liverpool Football Club Manager. Can Rocky come of retirement and fight all these beach balls in the boxing ring, when Arnie's Terminator has located them all?"

Rafa Benitez, the Liverpool Football Club Manager: "Of course Sly, as long as I am the Referee for the fight!! I am sure that Arnie's Terminator will find them all!" Perhaps if you do a good job, I might add both the Terminator and Rocky on our team sheet to start in the next match!!!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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