Written by Cutbank
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Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Given the recent anti-woman, demeaning, and altogether beastly evidence of men-only pickup basketball games at the White House, a local woman has written to President Obama, offering him an opportunity to diversify.

Dear Mr. President:

As a member of the tall fat white woman lobby, I would like to offer to play on your basketball team. I have to warn you that I can't run, I can't dribble, shoot from the 3-point line, or for that matter, see the basket from the 3-point line (bifocals and distortion and all that). I can't steal the ball. I can't drive to the inside, and I can't fake or fade (or is that football?).

I last shot a successful free-throw in 1986, and that was a fluke. I learned to play in the stone ages when girls could only go to half court (it's true! you can look it up!)so I have a habit of stopping dead in my tracks and throwing the ball to the popular girl who gets to play offense.

In fact, my only qualification for being on your team is that I am tall, fat, white, and female. I'm not jolly either. This, plus being over 50, should rocket me to the top of your critics' Diverse-O-Meter. If you think I could be of assistance with the whole girl-boy-fit-fat-white-black-tall-taller team thing, I would be proud to take a seat on your bench. Or two seats.

The White House is, as of this writing, stunned into a shocked silence.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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