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Friday, 23 October 2009

image for Question Time transcript The spineless griffin at the spineless BBC

'And on tonight's Question Time we have Minister for Something Jack Feeble, some American writer nobody has ever heard of, some Baroness with an Asian complexion, another Liberal nobody, and Adolf Hitler. Let's take our first question, which comes from Henry Himmler.'

'Can we devote an entire hour of this BBC programme to talking about Adolf Hitler?' 'Jack Feeble.' 'Well, we can, but let me just look at my notes my researcher wrote for me, as I just can't be bothered with all this. In 1943, many, many British Army British soldiers were massacred in a town in Belgium by Mr. Hitler's soldiers, and yes, many of them had names like Blackpudding and Ayooplad and Smith.'

'But many had names like Mohammed Ali and Amir Khan, which proves that Mr. Hitler is a fascist, racist nutcase, with the brain power of a slug. [mild applause] And let me just turn over raise your voice - I mean add this.'

'During the Second World War just as many Indians and Pakistanis fought FOR the Nazis against Britain quite voluntarily as fought for the British, and even Nehru had ties with the Third Reich, for the obvious reason that they wanted rid of the British 'occupiers'. Which just shows you I haven't a clue what I'm mumbling on about ...'

'Baroness Whoever You Are?' 'This looks farcical, doesn't it? A coincidentally-picked panel of an Asian, a Liberal, an Afro-American and a Jew, hmm, it's like the start of a Bernard Manning joke isn't it? [laughter] I mean, here's the four of us coming on here to bravely pick on Mr. Hitler, and to go on and on and on about the colour of our skins and our religions and our ancestry - jeez, and here's me thinking only inadequate bigots go on and on about the colour of people's skins and religions and ancestry! Oops!'

'Liberal nobody?' 'I would like to use this five minutes of fame to drone on not only about skin colour, religion and ancestry, which makes me as narrow-minded as Mr. Hitler, but also about how we should all have equal rights to shag animals and anything perverts like me feel like shagging.'

'I object strongly to Mr. Hitler coming on to this programme, and making me talk endlessly about Mr. Hitler rather than the recession and British soldiers dying in Afghanistan, and banks collapsing and a useless government led by the worst Prime Minister in British history.'

'American writer?' 'Ah thinks ah knows nothin' about this great country, so ah's a just gonna talk hokum but soundin' real good doin' it. There ain't no such thing as indigenous people here, no way, and if it wasn't for them blacks and Asians then there would be no free Britain, coz they would've lost the Second World War against the Belgians.'

'Them Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders, South Africans, Poles, Czechs, Free French, plus they Soviet Russkis - man!, what would those millions have done without that handful of black and Asian soldiers? Who sayus Americans know nothin' about anything?'

'Ten million Soviets died in the War, Miss American, and the British fought and defeated the Germans in the Battle of Britain with very few Asian pilots. [laughter] Mr. Hitler, have you anything to say about the pointless question?' 'What was the question again?' 'Who cares, just talk about yourself.'

'OK. Do people remember the National Front? Thousands of layabout cowards and skinheads whose idea of being brave was getting together in thousands and, er marching bravely past a few Asian corner shops and Jamaican cafes. That's what this country needs, lots of morons to, er, well ... look, my father fought in the War, and, my pal the Klu Klux Klan leader did too, he was a parartooper in the 3rd Lynch Mobsters of Penhaligon. The British people have -'

(heckler) 'Piss off, ya Taffy git! [laughter] You're a foreigner to millions of Scots and English, why not f*** off back to Wales where you belong! [cheers] And take your tame panel of sheep with you! [laughter and sheep noises from the audience] This whole programme has been a party political broadcast for the National Front, and even then, with it all laid on a plate for you, you still sound like an awkward schoolkid trying to talk like a grownup. Nobody cares who you are, or who any of these nobodies the BBC has hired for this farce are!'

'But look, my father was in the Klu Klux Nazis and I am not a Cuckoo, and am hated by all the Nazis in Britain! Though there aren't any in Britain, so that explains that one. Er, Churchill would be a Nazi if he was here today. [laughter and jeers] He would, he would!'

'Mr. Hitler, I think Churchill was slightly opposed to the Nazis, [laughter] and also called them 'gangsters' and made sure Oswald Moseley, another National Front supporter, was thrown into gaol for years for being a traitor. Let's move on. Next question please, from Henry Goring of Reichsham.'

'Is this all just an excuse to put a weird sad fascist on TV to show the sad pathetic Conservative Party just how feeble they have become?' 'Yes. Next question, from a Mrs. Elspeth McKenzie. Yes you, the lady in the clan chieftan's outfit at the back, swigging the Glen's vodka bottle.' 'Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler?' 'Mr. Hitler?'

'Kidding? OK, I'll do me Bernard Manning. Well, a Jew and a queer and a Paki and a nignog went into this bar, right, called The Question Time, OK, and the barman asked them what they wanted to drink. And the Jew looked at his notes and muttered 'Something that'll win me Asian votes in my constituency, like claiming Asians invented best bitter and fish and chips in World War Two.' [laughter]

'And the queer said 'Whatever my little boy here's having.' [laughter] And the Paki said 'Despite following a religion that bans alcohol for millions across the world, lucky I'm in tolerant Britain, so mine's a large Johnny Walker with ice.' [laughter]

'And the nignog said 'There are no indigenous drinks in this country, and hey, lucky Britain is a country, man, it was founded by slaves. Or what you English might call the Scots, Irish and Welsh. So I'll have an American Ignoramus, if you don't mind.' [laughter]

'And the barman paused, and then said 'If anybody thinks Question Time slightly represents the vast majority of very tolerant, very decent, and very tough British people who despise the National Front and fought a ruthless World War to prove it, and welcome all to their island, then they've been the victims of a practical joke! Though for 'joke', just spell it 'BBC'. And they don't need a panel of token 'minority' types on TV telling them what they already know about their own country'.'

'On next week's programme will be Krusty the Klown, Lily Savage, Woody Allen, Frank Bruno, 'Goodness Gracious Me Star' Thingy Wotsit, Benito Mussolini, and a flock of sheep. Goodnight, Vienna.' [sound of BBC director-general being sacked in the background]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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