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Friday, 9 October 2009

image for Adolfex Fergler : A Study In Tyranny Adolfex Fergler

As Germany descended into anarchy after World War One, with a Communist revolution and an Allied blockade, and the worst 'flu epidemic in modern history, the half-starving people there became desperate for a leader to bring their country back to some sort of stability. And that leader duly arrived, one Adolfex Fergler.

Fergler was born in the Austrian town of Govanburg but moved to Germany, where he formed the FA, a band of uniformed men that were fanatically devoted to him and his ideas of world domination, and soon Fergler was attracting crowds of thousands to hear his speeches at Munich's famous Traffordbierkeller. In 1924 Fergler founded the Yupi Party, and then led his men on what was to be a failed seizure of Munich's Uefa parliament, and was sentenced to a gaol sentence of two seconds for his crime.

On his release Fergler began to dominate Germany's political scene, and he made his first world famous speech at the Divingplatz stadium in Nuremberg in 1925. 'People call us cheats', he thundered to 400,000 uniformed FA men and women, 'well, we are cheats! And people call us bullies with blue noses. We are bullies with blue noses! Look at the Referees, with their unfit bodies, making money out of decent, working German people. See the Referees make money out of war profiteering! The Ref is a parasite, and we shall not rest until we have destroyed Refereedom for ever! Seig!' 'HEIL!!' 'Seig!' HEIL!!'

But some became concerned that Fergler wasn't quite the decent, trustworthy man he portrayed himself to be, and indeed the leader of his major opponents, Der Arzenal Party, a certain Gerhart Wenglerschnoffen, called Fergler a hippokritoscheatschottishensheisse, which means a hypocritical, timewasting, conniving, Scotch so-and-so. 'Well, he is', Wengleschnoffen said to Der Speiglmeiglfleiglweigl, 'isn't he?'

'He bullies his opponents and intimidates them, and uses his FA men to threaten them until victory is usually his. Remember last month, when three FA men were found guilty of giving Fergler extra time at a Reds' meeting in Zalford? Nothing happened. But when Boyo von Hugheskoffen asked for the police to investigate it, he was publicly assassinated in Zunday-Teims.'

By the 1930s Fergler was leading his party to a possible victory at the polls, and the mix of his FA thugs, the courts on his side, and in fact the entire ruling classes supporting him meant there was little doubt he would soon be called to Berlin by the Kaiserina Elizabetti to be declared Fuhrer, and this duly happened in 1934.

'My people', Fergler said from the balcony of the Irnbru und Vodi Palace in that city, 'Germany has reawoken today! No longer will the Blues of Chelski or the Reds of Der Arzenal threaten our proud, blue-eyed, heavy-drinking, gum-chewing, ranting, argumentative, bluenosed, mad, bad, mean, half-bevvied Weegie merchants, oh no!'

'The Refs thought they would stop me, with their manipulations and correct timekeepings. The Blues thought they would stop me, with their dollars and their roubles and their poncey, midget, dago managers. And von Hugheskoffen dared to point to his wrist in front of me, but it did him no good!'

'The glorious Yupi state has now begun, and my Destiny is fulfilled. We shall now see Germany at its best again, the proud nation that gave the world Kaiser Franz the First, the nation of Beethoven and Mozart, of Schiller and Bach, of Horstenheimmiggenschnorstelwurst and Ffennigskiburgenstatzziggenhollervollermollentiken! And, of course, Beck's bier.'

And Fergler's deputy, Rudolf Bluenoseness, added: 'Let there be no mistake about what is happening today. We rule the FA with an iron grip, and will destroy the Refs and their power. And our glorious Fuhrer Adolfex Fergler is our saviour, with him we shall be great once more. And once more prawn sandwiches will be eaten across Germany every Saturday at three o'clock, washed down with Marx & Himmler's pinot grigio white wine. Heil Fergler!'

After seizing power in Germany Fergler then turned his attention to conquering Europe, and began by attacking Italy and Spain. Soon those countries had surrendered and it looked as if the Yupi leader would emulate his hero Napoleon Bonebusby, and rule the entire continent.

But then the Americans and Arabs entered the war, and despite knowing nothing about winning wars or even the rules of them, their money and supplies meant serious pockets of resistance began to spring up in England. Fergler by now had become almost delusional in his self-belief, and made some very strange speeches about time and injuries, which some believe were brought on by a reliance on his doctor Glen Morangel's home-made potions.

But Fergler's dominance of the FA continued - they did everything he ordered them to, and even created a special Order of Timeadding to be given to any FA member that managed to add plenty of time on to any battles Fergler was in, to make sure that he could win them. And they also created the coveted Knight's Cross As Usual with Oak Leaves, awarded for badtemperedness under enemy terrace-chanting.

Whether the Fuhrer will win the wars in England and in Europe will have to be seen. But the world will never be the same again, since the tyrant of Govanburg and all-powerful Fuhrer Adolfex Fergler appeared.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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