Written by PP Rega
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Sunday, 13 September 2009

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In 67 BC, Gladius Maximus had a love affair from afar with one of the Vestal Virgins. Her name was Titsilitzia Splendissima and she was the most beautiful Vestal Virgin in all of Rome.

Unfortunately, the ancient laws demanded that the Vestal Virgins remained as such and were prohibited from "knowing" man, if you get my drift. This was a regulation that was taken very seriously because if one of these priestesses was caught in flagrante delicto they would summarily be judged guilty, disemboweled, drawn and quartered and their ashes thrown into the Tiber.

Nevertheless, the power of love was as great in those days as it is now and in time, Gladius was finally able to entice Titsilitzia to his domicile for a little hankus-pankus. While there he tried one way and then another to bed the Roman wench, but was unsuccessful at every turn. Wines from Florentine vineyards, blood oranges from Lebanon, and honeyed macaroons from Carthage failed to produce the desired result.

Youthful impatience gave way to annoyance.
"Dear sweet Gladius, whatever is the matter?"
"My ardor looms larger than ever, if you get my drift, Titsilitzia."
"Well, I knew they didn't call you 'Gladius Maximus' for nothing."
"Well?"
"Well, my dear, all good things come to those who are patient. So…."
"So…?"
"So, in the meantime, give me another goblet of wine and keep your pantheon."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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