Written by Taylor Boren
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Tuesday, 8 September 2009

image for The New MARVELous Disneyland! Any Disneylanders who dare criticize the new Disney/Marvel merger are placed in a rollercoaster and left to hang upside-down.

Anaheim, California - All aboard, fellow consumer-whores! Get ready to tarnish Walt Disney's lifework and decimate childhood heroes in one quick stroke with The New MARVELous Disneyland!

Ever imagine Mickey Mouse, Goofy, and Donald Duck awkwardly thrown alongside Marvel's Spiderman, Flash, and The Hulk for purely financial gain? Neither did Walt Disney!

Too distracted by art and creation to understand the all-encompassing importance of profit, Walt's ignorance has since been corrected by current Disney Studios' Chief Executive Bob Igor, managing to touch your childhoods' No-No Place-- twice!

Take a sneak-peak look at some of Bob Igor's improvements to Disneyland in honor of Marvel and Disney's historic $4 billion merger:

Flash Mountain

Zippity-Doo-Da, Zippy-DAMMIT-I-HAVE-A-HEART-CONDITION. No longer will you meander down a serene river on an oversized log surrounded by singing critters, alluding to your acid-inspired days at Woodstock. No, now you can allude to your speed-inspired days at college with Flash Mountain!

'FAST, FASTER, FASTEST' isn't just a reference to the rate at which you're hemorrhaging money at Disneyland; it's also the rate at which G-forces team with clogged arteries to take you down a long, dark tunnel toward The Bright Light. Falling down waterfalls at reasonable speeds is for non-$4,000,000,000 mergers, so get ready to jettison!

Don't worry, your historic flight out of Flash Mountain at speeds exceeding terminal velocity will be dutifully captured by flash photography, allowing you to show friends the exact moment at which you swore to avenge Walt's legacy and destroy Bob Igor. (Or to show the coroner the exact moment at which Bob Igor destroyed you.)

Word of Caution

Using FastPass on a ride this fast may inadvertently propel Disneylanders into what most scientists contend is 'Hyper-Time,' a place where hours pass in seconds and Southerners almost speak at a normal pace. Use caution.

The SpiderMansion

Eye contact with Bob Igor aside, what could be scarier than a mansion inhabited by a giant spider(man)? Willem Dafoe's face? Kirsten Dunst's snaggletooth? How about all three!

The SpiderMansion gives the Haunted Mansion's preexisting cobwebs a back-story, while butchering Peter Parker's own.

Watch in horror as superhero folklore and Tobey Maguire's likeness are juxtaposed with coffins, ghosts, and… Green Goblins! (Disney just got lucky there.

Nothing else in this ride makes much sense.) In a dramatic display, the ride centers around one of Disneyland's darkest attractions-- Walt Disney rolling in his grave. It's spooky, because it's real.

Word of Caution If Bob Igor, Walt Disney's tombstone, or urinating offends you, steer clear of The SpiderMansion. This ride is a huge metaphor for their combination. Even Goofy can see it, and everyone knows he's retarded.

New! New Orleans Square

Looks like Flash Mountain isn't Disneyland's only water-themed attraction! Flooded with the tears of children forced to witness their favorite heroes like The Hulk reduced to signing autographs, posing for pictures, and strutting around in giant foam suits, New! New Orleans Square gives purpose to one of comic folklore's most useless superheroes-- Aquaman.

Drawing inspiration from real-life forces like Michael Brown and FEMA, Aquaman continues their legacy and does a 'heckuva job' doing what he does best: absolutely nothing.

Well, to be fair, he occasionally signs autographs, poses for pictures, and reminds Disneylanders that George W. Bush didn't care about black people.

Word of Caution

Since allusions to Kanye West's political tirades can be tiring, take a break at Disneyland's own Club 33! A thoughtful reference to the number of Disney descendants who've been metaphorical beaten by Bob Igor, this club honors the Disney/Marvel merger by merging some of your favorite foods too!

Cajun chicken in teriyaki and BBQ sauce, chocolate mousse cheeseburgers, and many other cuisines give a culinary representation of what just happened to Disneyland.

Also, New! New Orleans Square is wet, so bring an extra pair of socks.

Get ready to sit back, relax, and take it! Unless you've had really bizarre Mexican food-inspired dreams about Disney characters and comic book heroes, The New MARVELous Disneyland will be like nothing you've ever imagined. Start draining your 401k now and take the whole family to:

…The Place Where Mexican Food-Inspired Dreams Come True!

Also, don't forget Disneyland's newest coming attraction: MatterWhore, opening March 2011! Pop yourself into a bobsled and observe what happens when Disney's delicate 'damsels in distress' cohabitate with the most aggressive and testosterone-driven characters from all of comic book history, but don't let us spoil the ending!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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