Written by Dick Action
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Tags: Autumn, Rain

Sunday, 6 September 2009

If you are putting a coat on your child, make sure you write to the BBC first or the regulatory body which controls the manufacture of rain. I would also advise that you take any coat to a laboratory for testing and file an email with the European Court of Human Rights explaining; 'I do understand that the freedom to wear purple muvva fucka trainers is a right of my child but at the same time I do intend to ensure he/she/it, doesn't get wet".

Then what you should do, is put the coat on the child. Its very important not to miss this step, otherwise your child might walk out without a coat on and the coat will remain in a crumpled heap by the wellies. Put the child's arms through the arm holes, being careful not to roll the coat into a ball and shoving it down the child's throat until it chokes. Neither should you, for health and safety reasons, repeatedly use the zipper to poke the child in the eye. Current advice on NHS Direct says "don't set fire to the coat, to keep the sprog warm, but if your child does display symptoms of running around ablaze, then it most definitely has swine flu and should be given a stirring wedgie immediately".

But does such self help advice really have a place in mainstream news, especially given that none of it seems to be aimed at the bigger picture of kids regularly being killed?

Expert Professor Frontage of think tank 'Advice Train' says without such self help publications we would not, as a society, benefit from such books as 'Here we go Round the Multiverse'.

Police are now examining his body in the car park.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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