Written by Frank Miller
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Friday, 4 September 2009

image for The Arctic: Arena for the Final Battle The new west coast of the Arctic, fancy a dip?

Frank Miller put's himself in the thick of the escalating conflict; the battle for the Arctic's soul.

UN and Global Policy
At the end of their 3 day stop in the Arctic, (see the Spoof News article "UN arrives at Arctic on day 12 of sellout world tour") global rock stars UN and their charismatic lead singer Ban Ki-Moon have proved again that world class celebrities can change government policy.

"Moon made a good point on arrival and we've listened to him," Arctic President Mandaus Eollisy says, "It's obviously what everyone in the world wants. We've set in motion an initiative to allow tall buildings and car parks to be built in accordance with UN wishes. Also there will be a strip club.

The Arctic Initiative
"We're transporting in millions of electric kettles from Europe into the Arctic to defrost it. We fill the kettles with water and set them to boil and the steam will cause defrosting. We've started from the West side of the island and will move inland, we've already managed to get the temperature up to the highest levels for 2000 years and it's not going to stop there!"

And the big white grizzly bear problem which has plagued the Arctic for so long?

"That has also been addressed. We've been airlifting them out for 3 days now and we've nearly got them all. They'll be an asset to the local economy."

Where are they going?

"India. They are taught to dance for tourists by Gypsies. Bear dancing is big over there and the bears are happy, well they wouldn't dance if they weren't happy bears right?"

WorldEnviroCorp
In response to the Arctic Initiative, environmental groups from around the planet have joined forces to form WorldEnviroCorp led by the Grandfather of environmentalism, Jip Kidney.

"Fine, get rid of the bears, we're for that, they're basically pests anyway but as for defrosting the Arctic with kettles, this is madness!"

On the east side of the island, WorldEnviroCorp are conducting their own round the clock imports; fridge freezers. "We switch them on full power and leave the doors open, we start in the east and work our way inland."

However, the plan has its own problems. Baby seals; they climb in to the freezer cabinets to sleep and cut the freezer output efficiency; forcing WorldEnviroCorp to adopt additional action.

"We humanely cave in their skulls with clubs, the seals feel no pain. This is our stand to preserve the Arctic and we'll kick the shit out of anyone who tries to stop us!"

And so the final battle between good and evil begins.

Frank Miller

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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