Written by Will Spears
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Saturday, 29 August 2009

image for An Explosive Family Reunion Hews Family reunion goes off with a blast.

It is an understatement to say that the Hew family had a blast at their recent family reunion. Hews gathered from all around the globe last weekend in Bum Funk Egypt, Arkansas to celebrate their last name, it is estimated that there were around three hundred in attendance.

It was an entertaining weekend for all. There were games for the kids like pin the tail on the donkey and bobbing for apples, and games for the adults like beer-pong, which ended with the adults stealing the donkey tail from the kids and creating the new game, pin the tail on drunken Bob. And for the folks that didn't enjoy playing games there was a full bar and "The Hew Family Jug Band".

Everything was going great all weekend until Sunday afternoon when Richard Hew Jr. "Little Dick" was grilling steaks for the adults and hot dogs for the children and as Little Dick called it "some kind of tofu crap" for Jan Hew and her "life partner" who everyone referred to as "Butch" which actually turned out to be her real name.

All mouths were salivating in anticipation of a great final meal, to end another successful Hew family reunion, when Jan's partner, Butch climbed onto the Jug Band's stage and asked through the microphone if any one had an extra tampon. Most jaws in attendance immediately dropped as the most of the eyes (all except "Crazy Eyed" Eddie Hew, no one could tell exactly where his eyes were looking) looked at the stage to see who had the audacity to pose this personal question to all.

Before anyone could voice their disgust in Butch, there was an enormous explosion at the grill, causing a small mushroom cloud to rise up over the grill and picnic tables. Some people thought that Little Dick had spilled his jar of 100 proof shine into the grill, some figured that God had spoken out against Jan and Butch. Some people hit the ground because of flashbacks from the war; some ran away, some ran to help the dozens of Hews who had been hurt by the explosion, or the shrapnel.

The quick thinking Hews grabbed for their cell phones and called for help. As the ambulance and fire trucks pulled into the campground an old tri-colored Ford pick-up truck pulled in behind. Out of the truck jumped an old hillbilly named Floyd Coe.

"I seent dat dangd ole sposion, seent it from da farm bout half mile up da road" Mr. Coe said.

It was later discovered that Floyd Coe had been smoking jimson weed all morning and thought he saw a sasquatch stealing from his strawberry patch. He ran inside and grabbed his 30/30 and fired five shots into the woods where he thought he had seen the sasquatch. One of the stray bullets made it's way through the woods and into the propane tank hooked up to the grill where Little Dick was cooking. Ten members of the Hew family were taken to the nearest burn unit; the paramedics pronounced Little Dick dead on arrival. Scores of Hews had what was assumed to be Little Dick's blood on them, but no one was willing to assume where the blood on Butch's britches came from.

Most of the family stayed around for a few more days to attend Little Dick's funeral, which was a beautiful service. Everyone agreed that as tragic as this year's family reunion may have turned out, that life has to go on, as well as the Hew's family reunions. Floyd Coe was taken into custody by the Sheriff's Department, but the Hew family decided not to press charges, as long as Mr. Coe swore to never shoot blindly into the woods ever again, which he did.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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