Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 21 August 2009

image for The 17 Yazoo Kids of Cumberland County, Kentucky The Yazoo family tractor where fourth born Tracky was conceived in 1985.

Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas have been signed to star in the 1980 remake of Coal Miner's Daughter, the true story of Loretta Lynn.

The original movie starred Sissy Spacek as Loretta and Tommy Lee Jones as her husband Doo. Loretta was born and raised in Butcher Holler, Kentucky.

Taylor and Joe traveled down to Cumberland County, Kentucky which is located on the Kentucky-Tennessee border in order to get a feel for what living up on a backwoods mountain top in Kentucky is like.

They met Pardell Yazoo and his wife Emily Flora who live up on a mountain with their 17 children in a one room shack.

Pardell is self-employed in the moonshine business and Emily Flora works at poppin' out 'youngun's. And as of now, that number is 17!

The eldest Yazoo sibling is 27-year-old son Aurora. The second Yazoo child is 26-year-old daughter Wilmer. When Emily Flora was asked why she would give her son a girl's name and her daughter a boy's name she replied that she just plumb liked the names.

She commented that she really hadn't noticed the gender of the names since both times right after giving birth she hopped right off the dining room table and commenced to mopping up the playsantas (placentas).

She was asked if she could name all 17 of her children and she said that she sure a-shootin' could. She mentioned Aurora and Wilmer and then said that their third child was Hankerin, who just turned 25.

She said that Hankerin is by far the smartest of the whole bunch. He can actually count from 1 to 87 without missing too many numbers.

Twenty four year-old Tracky was born with a left ear that was four times the normal size. But for her ninth birthday they had that little old problem corrected by Dr. Burlap Bastrop, a dentist who drove in from over in Kettle.

Emily Flora said that the reason that they named her Tracky was on account of she was concentrated (conceived) on their 1979 red tractor on a December night that was so cold that her knick-knacker was making all kinds of odd noises during the sparkin' session.

The fifth child Sawletta is 23, and she was named after Grandpa Sawyer Hucklefoot and Grandma Letta Hucklefoot. Emily Flora says she is also the prettiest of all the seven yazoo girls since she still has most of her own teeth.

Sawletta is also the only one of the girls who can recite the alphabet pretty much in alphabetical order.

Yazoo child number six is Hammerlina who's name Emily Flora said was taken off of a hammer that Pardell was using a few minutes before he actually commenced to pokin' on her.

Hammy, as Sheriff Chamberlain Essex calls her is 22, but she looks 29 on account of her yum-yums are really developed way, way beyond what is considered to be your normal yum-yum development.

Last year Hammy was elected the local 'Miss Moonshine Still.' She received a new pair of sleeping drawers, a rake, a new nursing bra, $4, and a toothbrush.

And childrens 7, 8, and 9 are triplets Peckerwood, Stickly, and Jennifer. They are all 21-year-old. The eldest triplet Peckerwood is named after Pardell's Grandma Bertha Beulah Bubblepoo's favorite expression whenever she burns her biscuits, cornbread, muffins, or chipmunk cordon bleu.

Stickly is named after a toy stick that Pardell used to play with when he was 16, and which he was so fond of that he actually slept with it under his pillow until he was 19 or so.

And little Jennifer who weighed five ounces at birth was named after an old milk cow that was given to Pardell by Rev. Oswego Gigglegood and his estranged wife, the dad gum strange as a hooterless hootowl Drayshawn Maybelline Gigglegood.

Emily Flora confessed, "I swears I am a God-fearin' woman, but I cannot stand that no good evil spewing, buttermilk burning witch from the armpit of hell."

Nailer is the tenth Yazoo child. He is 20, but he actually only looks 17. Dr. Burlap seems to think that Nailer is a little bit on the slow side, kind of like trying to pour frozen molasses out of a frozen bottle of molasses. But Nailer is a darn good shot. He can shoot off a rodent's ear lobe at 200 yards.

Emily Flora reveals "That boy Nailer, he can also whittle the hell out of a piece of wood. He once made an exact replica of a mule's peterthang.

In fact, when Rev. Elijah Pigglebranch's wife Uvula Sue saw it that afternoon, the woman fainted. As she fell she hit her head on the washtub, scaring the everlivin' daylights out of the triplets who was takin' a Saturday night bath at the time. I laughed so gosh darn hard that I done went and wet myself twiest (twice)."

Next the Yazoo family was blessed with a set of twins. A girl Porchette and another girl Gritsy. Porchette, 19, was named after the Yazoo's front porch which is where Pardell poked his sugarplum while the kids were all taking a nap inside.

Porchette's favorite thing besides her "I Likes Kevin Skinner" T-Shirt is a possum that she got for her 16th birthday. She named it Pissyboy Jr., and she keeps it in her underwear drawer.

The second twin Gritsy, 19, was named after Emily Flora's favorite meal to prepare; grits. She always used to kid Pardell that it's a darn good thing that her favorite food wasn't ham-hocks or tuna casserole.

Then along came kid number 13. Emily Flora said that at first they was gonna call him Lucky, but they didn't cause they are both supercilious (superstitious).

Pardell, who is a very patriotic individual who even has a pair of 'Old Glory' boxer shorts somewhere, decided to name child number 13, after President Lincoln.

President Yazoo just turned 18 last week, and his parents are both so proud of him because they understand that he has finally advanced to the point where he can now read and comprehend at the fourth grade level.

President can spell each of the 50 states correctly except for Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Utah, Tennessee, and Mississippi. He sometimes gets kinda frustrated and ends up spelling Mississippi with 17 s's and 14 i's. He does get the pp right though.

President has even taught his younger brothers and sisters the different colors like red, green, and blue.

Pardell and Emily Flora say that he will no doubt grow up to be a school teacher some day. Last week for his birthday they bought him his very own pillow. This way he won't have to use Porchette's pet possum Pissyboy Jr., as a pillow any more

Their 14th born is 17-year-old Birdshot. He was named after a terrifying incident with a crazed papa vulture. It was on Thanksgiving day back in 1991, that Pardell shot the biggest vulture that he had ever seen.

Mrs. Yazoo explained, "It seems that the sumbitch, and I'll thank ya to please excuse my nasty mouth thanky much, was trying to fly away with Prochette's pet possum, Pissyboy (her first possum).

The damn ugly as rooster shit vulture, and again I'll thank ya to ignore my vulgar as turkey pee mouth, turned Pissyboy loose as soon as Pardell pumped two casings of buckshot in his ugly old ass...ah the vulture's ugly old ass, not Pardell's, (he-he)."

Kids number 15 and 16 are 16-year-old twins Cornbread and Vittle. They're both boys even though Emily Flora had heard that in far away places like South Carolina and Arkansas Cornbread is a really a girl's name.

Emily Flora explained about the name Vittle. "Let me say that Vittle was not named after the edible food. He was named after Pardell's nickname for me, his sugar-babe.

He has called me Vittle ever since I was knocked up with Aurora, our fist born. Pardell says that I am so gosh darn sweet that if I was a vittle he would eat me all up no matter how many dad-gum calories I was."

And the youngest of the whole Yazoo passel is little three-month-old Woody. He was named Woody on account of that is what Pardell's fifth grade teacher Mrs. Elmira Elvira Puddlecreek used to call him back when he was in grade school.

Emily Flora expresses that to this day she has no saturnly (earthly) idea why Mrs. Puddlecreek called him Woody. She did ask Pardell once why she called him that name but he just blushed, picked up his shotgun, went outside and shot a gopher. He never did tell her why she called him Woody.

Emily Flora says she did notice that every time that she would mention the name Woody, the crotch of her husband's britches would get all happy and playful like.

Mrs. Yazoo confesses that three-month-old Woody was one heck of a surprise. She grins and points out, "Well heckers for eight months, you know, I just thought that I just had me a real bad case of mountain tummy gas.

But that last month, you know it got so bad that Pardell summoned Dr.Bastrop, the tooth doctor, and he come over to help me, you know release some of my pent up mountain tummy gas and you know darn if it didn't pop little old Woody right out.

But heckers the stinker wasn't all that that doggone little. The little dickens weighed 19 pounds 4 ounces and I don't remember but the doctor's girlfriend Lulu Lee Suttcracker who had also come over said that my first words when Woody popped out were, "Hot damn Lulu Lee, did I just shit a damn bowling ball or what?"

The Yazoo family is doing fine. Living happily and contently way up on that mountain in Kentucky. They have no worries and they have no idea about the on-going economic recession.

When Emily Flora was asked if she knew what a stimulus package was she just kind of blushed a bit and replied, "Why heck yes, I knows what a stimulus package is...how the heck do you think I ended up with these 17 young'uns!?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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