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Friday, 31 July 2009

In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.

Bless me Father, For I have sinned

In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.

Dear Father Frank,

You may remember that I am a good, Irish catholic girl that believes in sex for procreation, not recreation.

Father Frank, now that I am widowed and still attractive, I find that I attract the wrong element.

Father, I truly strive to avoid the near occasions of sin, but trouble just seems to follow me where ever I happen to be.

Just today, I went to the office supply store to buy school supplies for the kids and I was approached by an attractive middle aged gentleman that politely asked me if I would help him out with his pencil; when I consented, he pulled me behind a display of binders and tried to unzip his fly!

Seriously, Father, what is the world coming to?

I proceeded to the grocery store, grocery list in hand, to buy food for a cook out; you know, hamburgers, buns, onions.....

Anyway, my list was almost complete when I made my way to the condiment aisle. A brawny stocker stood there, sweat glistening off his rippling biceps, as he furiously handled the jars and bottles with lightning quick speed, his breath coming in short little gasps. Back and forth his arm flew from his cart to the shelf, over and over.

Then I innocently interrupted him, "Excuse me, sir, could you recommend a good whole kosher dill for me?"

Well, Father, let me tell you, that masher grabbed me up and pushed me back against the cart so fast I didn't know what was happening!

Fortunately, the manager heard the commotion, and came over and pried him off before anything other than my pride was damaged!

Shaken, I abandoned my plans for a family barbeque and beat a hasty retreat, leaving the cart right there in the aisle.

So I stopped at Burger King on the way home and was relieved to be the only person in line.

When I asked the cashier what he would recommend for dinner, he leapt over the counter and offered me his Whopper!

Father, I ran out of there screaming so fast I was halfway home before I remembered I had forgotten my car!

So I would greatly appreciate it if you could retrieve my car and bring it over after mass tomorrow morning.

I would also like to receive communion at the same time.

I truly look forward to seeing you once again and receiving from you!

Your sister in Christ,

Rebecca

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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