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Friday, 24 July 2009

image for 'The Adventures of Paddington the Obama Bear', by Michael Yawned Paddington's Hawiio-Kenyo-Left-Bank-Of-the-Seine relations in Moldova.

As darkness fell in darkest Africa, people began heading home from their work for their dinners, some on buses and some on trains. But in one railway station in the centre of the city of Paddington, in Ghana, a strange sight could be seen, for sitting all alone with a suitcase in his hand was a small obama bear, with a sign saying 'Please look after this obama. Thank you.'

Most of the passers-by were too busy to bother with any bears, so sadly no-one paid the obama bear any attention, and soon it was nighttime and the bear was getting rather cold.

Then suddenly a nice man appeared, and said 'Hello, bear, I will look after you', and soon they were arriving at Mr. Brown's house, for Mr. Brown was his name. 'Welcome to our home', Mrs. Brown said to the bear, and they all sat down to have a nice dinner of roast marmalade grits and water melon.

'Where do you come from?, asked the Browns' daughter, Judy, and the bear thought for a minute before answering. 'Well', he said, 'I first came from Kenya, which is quite near here, but then moved all the way to Hawaii, and then to darkish America, so I'm really a bear without a home.'

'Don't worry about that', said Mr. Brown, 'I'm a travelling salesman. I travel all over Africa, and Europe, and the Middle East, so I'm never really at home. You can come along with me if you like', and the bear said that would be nice. 'But what is your name?', asked the Browns' son Jonathan, and 'I don't have a name', the obama replied. 'Let's call you Paddington', suggested Judy, and so the obama bear was now Paddington.

And the next day, after a breakfast of deep fried marmalade burgers and fries and more grits, washed down with eight tins of ghastly fizzy hippopotamus urine - or 'buds', as Africans call them - Mr. Brown set out in his car with Paddington, and soon they were arriving at somewhere called Germania.

But after a long time trying to sell things there Mr. Brown had to give up, and sat dejectedly in the car. 'Why don't you try and sell me?', Paddington suggested. 'I wouldn't do that!', Mr. Brown replied, shocked at the idea

'No, no, I mean try and sell the sight of me being in country after country all the time', the obama explained, 'for people have been very interested in a talking bear, and one that smiles and waves a lot', and Mr. Brown realised that Paddington was right, and that an obama bear that not only talked but also endlessly travelled around the world would certainly be something to sell to the newspapers, and to the children's comics in America that Americans call newspapers.

And so the two were soon driving round the world, from Germania to Tanzania, from Franconia to Outer Mongolia, and everywhere they went many people cheered and cried 'Hooray for the talking bear!', and 'Hooray for the waving and smiling obama!', and everybody liked Paddington, and wished that they had a little bear like him.

But one day Paddington said to Mr. Brown: 'You know, there must be more to life than driving round the world and waving at people, and smiling. And going from country to country, like some sort of freak in a travelling circus show.'

'We still haven't sold anything, in fact I gave a shiekh in Riyadh a surface-to-air rocket launcher as a present.' 'But Paddington', Mr. Brown admonished the bear, 'it's all for worldwide freedom and democracy.'

'No it isn't, it's only to make a few American arms manufacturers very, very rich. I'm going back to darkest Kenya, at least the people there fight their own battles, instead of arming all sorts of maniacs across the world to do it for them', and the obama bear left with his old suitcase, and went to the Air Kenya offices in London.

And Mrs. Brown smiled at her husband, thinking how lucky they were to have invested all their savings in American arms manufacturers. 'More tea, dear?', she said, and wondered where another stateless bear could be found to fly round the world, to take people's attention away from the way the United States of America's armies have been acting illegally across the world since 1990.

Lucky everyone outside the USA is as smart as Americans and hasn't spotted that, she laughed to herself, why, next thing those smart Americans would elect an obama bear for their President!, and she wiped away her tears of laughter at the idea of such a ridiculous idea.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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