Written by Charpa93
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Sunday, 19 July 2009

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It would appear that when it comes to saving money these days, many Americans are finding it increasingly hard to do. The government is so busy bailing out the corporations that they don't have time to help John Q. Public. Therefore, we've got to come up with a plan to help ourselves in these less than healthy economic times. Fortunately, Americans are very creative when it comes to solving problems, and figuring out how to save money is no exception.

The first thing one should do is prioritize. Figure out what is most important in your life--what you absolutely cannot live without--and then find ways to make sure you always have enough money in the budget for it. Here's an example: Food. Man can stay alive on bread and water indefinitely. However, that's a bit harsh. A better approach is to divide the three main meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner, into separate days of eating, and rotate. For example, beginning on the 1st Monday, Thursday, and Sunday, have a hearty breakfast and only breakfast. Tuesday and Friday have lunch and only lunch, and on Wednesday and Saturday, have dinner and only dinner. With this system, you can cut out 730 meals a year, at an average cost of around $5 per meal, which comes out to a savings of roughly $3,655.00! That is beer money for the whole year, with a little left over to play the weekly lottery!

Next. Most everyone has a neighbor who just can't say no to a sale at Home Depot. He has the best weed eater, the best rider mower, the best power washer; just about anything that uses combustibles to start it up. Borrow them, all the time, and on the off chance that your neighbor will begin to look upon you as a mooch, tell him that you are doing him a favor. Engines run better when they are used constantly, it's a proven fact. Tell him that. If he still balks, come up with some more lies, such as you are only borrowing his mower so that your lawn will look half as nice as his. This whopper might even get him to throw in a bag of lawn food and fertilizer spreader. Just make sure you always have a sincere look about you. One giggle and the jig is up.

If you want to make some money on the side, rent his equipment out to other neighbors. Sure, the other neighbors see you using the same equipment all the time, so they're sure to think that you own it. When they come to borrow it, tell them times are a little tough, that you could use a little extra dough. Of course, you're gonna have to do a little acting. Visuals are great. Never carry anything in the pockets of your shorts. When Joe from next door comes a knockin' to borrow the mower, turn your pockets inside out, and make a half-hearted joke about where moths breed, and you have him eating out of your hand. Word of caution. Learn the schedule of the neighbor with all the heavenly guy toys that you're borrowing from. Only lend out his equipment while he's out playing 18 holes of golf or taking the kids to soccer practice. Never let him see someone else using his equipment and be darned thankful that rider mowers don't have odometers!

Say it's near the end of the month, you're almost out of beer money and the lottery is up to $12 million dollars. You've been there before, scrounging around in the couch cushions for change, selling your blood, offering a kidney. Just when things start to look hopeless, you come up with a great idea! It involves a cockroach and the dollar menu at the local fast food restaurant. Just remember to look really, really disgusted.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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