Written by Ron Smith
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Friday, 17 July 2009

image for Fat Fern F*cks Off This Morning Fern's Weight Loss Inspired Many Women To Diet

So long former fat fuck Fern Britton who is leaving This Morning; I wish she had left many mornings ago.

Despite her constant juvenile sexual innuendo, cuddly, bubbly, comfortable being obese Fern, who pretended to millions of loyal viewers that she was losing weight through exercise, healthy eating and improved lifestyle, but had secretly had a gastric band fitted to stop the flow of garbage - in rather than out unfortunately - is a nasty, self-centred, vicious, cruel and extremely detestable person.

Fern was one of those people with self serving morals who would smile while twisting the knife, men her obvious victims - not just because she was fat and ugly inside and out and hated herself, but because she was pure old fashioned evil.

Permanently trapped in a fake feminist hypocrisy or rather an, 'I will get what I want by flirting with stupid middle aged men when I'm younger, say by doing a tap dance with my tits bouncing up and down, but as I age pretending it's OK to be fat - even doing adverts for Ryvita and laughing at my own fatness, but secretly inside hating my obesity, Fern was unconditionally loved by millions of Prozac'd women, lonely gay men and students.

We will miss her uninformed Daily Mail opinions and fag hag on-screen girly friendship with Jason Donovan's ex-buddy, 'stray' man Phillip Schofield. Good luck with your new career Fern and we hope that you enjoy spending more time with your family and vice versa, although suspicions are that it may end up going a bit pear-shaped if you'll forgive the sexist fat innuendo pun.

This reviewer will miss you and my one regret is that I never saw you in your prime time - forgive the pun again - not once watching This Morning. Ever!

Sorry if I gave the impression that I had, but I wasn't lying, I just didn't mention it. I suppose it's similar to that gastric band fib isn't it? You say that you didn't lie, but it was a lie wasn't it? A big fat ugly lie and although you're not so big and fat now, you're still a liar aren't you? An ugly, not so fat, not so big at the moment - but with all that time on your cake sized hands, I'm sure you can put it all back on again - liar!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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