Written by Madame Bitters
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Monday, 22 June 2009

image for The Yeoperson's Story One of Yeoman Bitters many pairs of shoes

Stardate: WTF?

Yeoman Bitters flipped through a well loved back issue of a publication called Kinky Klingons in the ship's library.

The Starship Enterprise's "library" was in actuality a massive collection of porn mags ranging from relitavly tame Star Sluts to vomit inducing 2 Vulcans, 1 Cup.

Why am I here? yeoman Bitters wondered for the umpteenth time. She closed the magazine (which she noticed read Cpt. Buck W. Kirk on the address tag) and looked around for the porn-keeper, Skoob. When she didn't see him yeoman Bitters gave a sigh of relief and lit up a cigarette.

Bitters knew why she was there, of course. She had just graduated from the prestigious Cosmos Culinary Academy and the combination of school loans and a $500 a day shoe addiction had left her broke.

She needed a job and she couldn't be too choosy since there was an intergalactic recession going on.

When she saw the notice in the want ads hiring a yeoman to assist the captain of the Starship Enterprise, Bitters had some reservations about the qualifications of the job. There was only one: Be Hot!

She also had to send in her measurements for 'uniform fitting' and a list of turn-ons for 'quality control'(?) Despite her doubts Bitters applied for and got the job.

On her first day as yeoman for Captain Buck Kirk, Bitters learned what she was hired to 'assist' the Captain with. She already regretted her decision

Bitters, however, had celebrated her new job by buying a $3,000 dollar pair of shoes she had no choice but to stay. So she tried to make the best of it.

She took a long drag off her cigarette and then made smoke rings as she exhaled. It wouldn't be so bad if the rest of the Starship Enterprise crew weren't as bonkers as their esteemed Captain.

The strange pointy eared man, Spockopeno had only made one apperance thus far, but it was a memorable one: He said he wanted to 'meld' his mind with hers. Thinking it was some oblique sexual advance she politely declined.

Then there was Morph. He introduced himself by saying, "So, you like to bake, huh? Tell me about your buns and go into graphic detail, if you please. We're all friends here."

Again, she politely declined. Ever since then her clevage was always sweaty and she constantly felt she was being watched. One day she thought she even heard heavy breathing
coming from her box of tampons. Weird.

Ensign Skoob was the ship's librarian, aka porn-keeper. Although he didn't seem as unhinged as the rest of the crew he did have his quirks, one of which was ending each and every conversation with 'Regards.'

Skoob was also a (very) ametuer chef. He told her about his previous career as the cook of an ill-fated pirate ship. He also said something about Hull City and a leg of lamb.

Of course, by that time they were both so drunk on cooking sherry that neither of them knew what was what, so she may have misunderstood him.

The only person she'd met on the voyage that was somewhat normal was a reporter from Reuters named Roy.

Through the ship's rumor mill, she'd heard Captain Buck Kirk locked him an an escape pod and ejected it out into space for 'looking at him funny'.

Yeoman Bitters was interupted from her reverie by the ship's intercom. "Will yeoman Bitters please report to the bridge, immediately. Captain's orders."

Bitters stubbed out her cigarette and stood up. She sighed as she left the library and made her wayto the bridge.

Judging from the whiny undercurrents of his tone, Captain Buck Kirk needed her to either help him tighten and fasten his man-girdle or help him straighten and reapply the glue that held on his toupee.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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