Written by Andy Lam
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Thursday, 22 July 2004

Many people believe that ANDY LAM! simply observes things that are known to all. How can this be?

I have traveled paths not taken by others, which means that I KNOW THINGS not known to others, that I have SEEN THINGS not seen by others, that I have HEARD THINGS not heard by others, that I have SMELLED THINGS not smelled by others, that I have TASTED THINGS not tasted by others, that I have TOUCHED things not touched by others, that I have RIDDEN THINGS not ridden by others, that I have BROKEN THINGS not broken by others, that I have BRUSHED THINGS not brushed by others, that I have EATEN THINGS not eaten by others, that I have HELD THINGS not held by others, that I have SLEPT ON THINGS not slept on by others, that I have MELTED THINGS not melted by others, that I have BOUGHT THINGS not bought by others, that I have POLISHED THINGS not polished by others, that I have MILKED THINGS not milked by others, that I have SHARPENED THINGS not sharpened by others, that I have DODGED THINGS not dodged by others, that I have SHOVELED THINGS not shoveled by others, that I have SOOTHED THINGS not soothed by others, that I have FLOWN THINGS not flown by others, that I have TIGHTENED THINGS not tightened by others, that I have INSTALLED THINGS not installed by others, that I have ITCHED THINGS not itched by others, that I have DRIED THINGS not dried by others, that I have CRUNCHED THINGS not crunched by others, that I have SHOUTED THINGS not shouted by others, that I have PLANTED THINGS not planted by others, that I have DENIED THINGS not denied by others, that I have INFLATED THINGS not inflated by others, that I have RECOGNIZED THINGS not recognized by others, that I have WHIPPED THINGS not whipped by others, that I have CLEANED THINGS not cleaned by others, that I have INGESTED THINGS not ingested by others, that I have MANDREGLATED things not mandreglated by others, that I have TIED THINGS not tied by others, that I have COUNTED THINGS not counted by others, that I have COLLECTED THINGS not collected by others, that I have INHALED THINGS not inhaled by others, that I have STRUNMMED THINGS not strummed by others, that I have WON THINGS not won by others, that I have TYPED THINGS not typed by others, that I have RHYMED THINGS not rhymed by others, that I have IDENTIFIED THINGS not identified by others, that I have SQUEEZED THINGS not squeezed by others, that I have PACKED THINGS not packed by others and I have WALKED THINGS not walked by others.

This is frankly a PARTIAL LIST of the things I have done. To put together a complete list would require all of the paper ever produced on the planet earth and more. What this limited list illustrates is that I have done WAY, WAY more things than most people – different things. To say that I am an observer of the obvious is IDIOTIC!! Have YOU done all of the things that ANDY LAM! has done? NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

So how is it possible that things you have never known, seen, heard, smelled, tasted, touched, ridden, broken, brushed, eaten, held, slept on, melted, bought, polished, milked, sharpened, dodged, shoveled, soothed, flown, tightened, installed, itched, dried, crunched, shouted, planted, denied, inflated, recognized, whipped, cleaned, ingested, mandreglated, tied, counted, collected, inhaled, strum, won, typed, rhymed, identified, squeezed, packed or walked could be obvious? A good question, don’t you think?

Let me give you one simple example: The other day, I purchased a SOFTWARE PRODUCT. It had a REBATE. I took the PRODUCT and REBATE FORM home. I used a PEN to fill out the REBATE FORM for the PRODUCT. I put the competed FORM into an ENVELOPE. I wrote my RETURN ADDRESS on the ENVELOPE. I wrote their ADDRESS on the ENVELOPE. I licked a STAMP and affixed it to the ENVELOPE. I placed the ENVELOPE in a MAILBOX. I waited for a CHECK to come to my MAILBOX. When it did, I RETRIEVED the ENVELOPE from my MAILBOX. I opened the ENVELOPE and removed the CHECK. I endorsed the CHECK with a PEN. I took the CHECK to my BANK. I cashed the CHECK with the TELLER. I exchanged PLEASENTRIES with the TELLER. I received my CASH from the TELLER. I placed the CASH in my POCKET. Later, I went to the STORE with my CASH. I spotted an ITEM to purchase with my CASH. I removed my CASH from my POCKET. I handed my CASH to the CLERK. I exchanged PLEASENTRIES with the CLERK. I received my ITEM and CHANGE from the CLERK. The ITEM had a REBATE. The entire CYCLE started all over again!

Now tell me, seriously, can you claim to have had such a unique experience as this? Like clockwork, like a well oiled machine, like a fine wine, I was in the ZONE! I had a “one of a kind” event right there that few can even imagine, let alone experience themselves. Master of the obvious? I think not.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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