Written by JJ Junket
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Thursday, 4 June 2009

INTERIOR ROOM IN CASTLE TOWER - DAY

A young, attractive ADAM LAMBERT is gazing out of a castle window. JOE JERVIS, gay rights activist and blogger, uncuffs Adam's hands and looks out the window too.

JOE JERVIS: One day, Lambert, all this will be yours ...

ADAM LAMBERT: What - the curtains?

JOE JERVIS: Not the curtains, Lambert ... All that ... (indicates the vista from the window) all that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys ... as far as the eye can see and beyond ... America's heartland, the world ... with you as our poster boy.

ADAM LAMBERT: But, Mr. Jervis ...

JOE JERVIS: Joe, Adam.

ADAM LAMBERT: But, Joe, I don't really want any of that.

JOE JERVIS: Listen, Adam, I built this activist blog up from nothing. All I had when I started was zero hits ... other queens said I was daft to build a blog against the tide, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em. But it was ignored. So I built another one ... it was ignored, too. I built another one ... That froze over and THEN was totally ignored .... So I built another and tagged it with 'Adam Lambert' ... and that stayed up. ... And that's what you're gonna get, Lambert: our poster boy title whether you want it or not.

ADAM LAMBERT: But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...

JOE JERVIS: Rather what?

ADAM LAMBERT: I'd rather ... just ... sing ...

ELECTRIC GUITAR CHORDS INTRO to WHOLE LOTTA LOVE

JOE JERVIS: You're not going to do a song while I'm here!

MUSIC STOPS

JOE JERVIS: Listen, Lambert, since you signed away your freedom to a record deal with the biggest tracts of singles, we're gonna keep you here until you answer the question!

ADAM LAMBERT: But the question's overrated ...

JOE JERVIS: Listen, Adam ...

ADAM LAMBERT: Lambert.

JOE JERVIS: Lambert ... We built this campaign on a bloody, obvious truth, and we need a confession.

ADAM LAMBERT: But I'm not Catholic.

JOE JERVIS: Not Catholic? What's religion got to do with it? You're our new poster boy. You're beautiful ... you'll be rich ... you've got enormous talent ...

ADAM LAMBERT: I know ... but ... I want songs that I sing to have ... a certain special ... ambiguity ...

ELECTRIC GUITAR CHORDS INTRO for WHOLE LOTTA LOVE.

JOE JERVIS: Cut that out! (Music cuts off abruptly.) You're confessing, so you'd better get used to the idea! Reporters!

TWO REPORTERS enter and stand to either side of JOE JERVIS. One of them has hiccoughs.

JOE JERVIS: Make sure Lambert doesn't leave this room until he confesses.

FIRST REPORTER: Not ... to leave the room ... even if he confesses.

JOE JERVIS: No. Until he confesses.

SECOND REPORTER: Hic.

FIRST REPORTER: Until he confesses, we're not to question him.

JOE JERVIS: No ... You make sure he says 'I'm gay.'

FIRST REPORTER: ... and then we leave.

SECOND REPORTER: Hic.

JOE JERVIS: That's Right.

FIRST REPORTER: We don't need to do anything, apart from making him say that you're gay.

JOE JERVIS: No, he's gay.

FIRST REPORTER: He's gay ... yes.

JOE JERVIS: Got it?

SECOND REPORTER: Hic.

JOE JERVIS makes to leave.

FIRST REPORTER: Er ... if ... we ... er ...

JOE JERVIS: Yes?

FIRST REPORTER: If we ... er ... (trying to remember what he was going to say)

JOE JERVIS: Look, it's simple. Just stay here and ask him if he's gay.

SECOND REPORTER: Hic.

JOE JERVIS: Right?

FIRST REPORTER: Oh, I remember ... can he ... er ... can he leave the room if he hints at being gay?

JOE JERVIS: (carefully) No .... No more allusions to the 'elephant in the room' or 'theatrical' or 'pink' labels. Just ask him ...

FIRST REPORTER: Oh, yes! We'll ask him the question, obviously. But if he held hands with his boyfriend, and we were with him ...

JOE JERVIS: No ... just keep him in here.

FIRST REPORTER: Until he, or anyone else ...

JOE JERVIS: No, not anyone else - just him.

FIRST REPORTER: Just him ...

SECOND REPORTER: Hic.

FIRST REPORTER: Says he's gay.

JOE JERVIS: Confesses.

FIRST REPORTER: Okay. Fine. We'll remain here until he leaves.

JOE JERVIS: And make sure he confesses.

FIRST REPORTER: What?

JOE JERVIS: Make sure he confesses.

FIRST REPORTER: You mean Adam ... ?

JOE JERVIS: Yes ... make sure ...

FIRST REPORTER: Oh yes, of course! I thought you meant him! (he points to the other REPORTER and laughs to himself) You know it seemed a bit daft me havin' to question him when he's already out ...

JOE JERVIS: Is that clear?

SECOND REPORTER: Hic.

FIRST REPORTER: Oh, yes. That's quite clear. No problems.

JOE JERVIS pulls open the door and makes to leave the room. The REPORTERS follow.

JOE JERVIS: (to the REPORTERS) Where are you going?

FIRST REPORTER: We're coming with you.

JOE JERVIS: No, I want you to stay here and make sure he confesses.

FIRST REPORTER: Oh, I see, Right.

They take up positions on either side of Lambert.

ADAM LAMBERT: But, I just want to sing ...

JOE JERVIS: Shut your noise, poster boy. They'll make you sing, all right. (He points to the reporters. JOE JERVIS throws one last look at the BOY and turns, goes out and slams the door.)

ADAM LAMBERT slumps onto window seat, looking forlornly out of the window. ELECTRIC GUITAR CHORDS MUSIC INTRO to WHOLE LOTTA LOVE... The door flies open, the music cuts off and JOE JERVIS pokes his head in.

JOE JERVIS: And no singing!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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