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Monday, 1 June 2009

'Britain's Got Talent' runner-up, Susan Boyle, has spoken exclusively to me revealing the truth behind her shock admission to celeb nuthouse The Priory.

Boyle, 48, spoke exclusively to us revealing the sex-and-drugs tragedy that led to her sensational loss at the 'talent' contest final, and to her subsequent sensational shock admission to the clinic, the final resting place of many a celebrity career.

Speaking exclusively to me from her padded cell, Boyle could not hold back her tears as she revealed the sensational, painful truth.

"I thought I had everything", the 48-year-old runner-up in Britain's Got Talent' sobbed. "And then, just when I thought it couldn't be any more perfect, I met Peter Andre and we just fell for each other instantly".

Singing sensation Susan spoke movingly of her relationship with Peter, sleb-magazine darling and husband of Jordan, and how Jordan had caught the pair in flagrante, leading to Andre's acrimonious divorce and SuBo's subsequent emotional collapse.

"It was true love", she said, wringing out her eyebrows. "But Katie caught us backstage at the competition, and flipped out, so Peter ended it. I just couldn't cope without him, and went on a bit of a binge".

The binge led to an emotional performance at the BGT final where Susan exclusively revealed to me the reasons behind her loss.

"I couldn't handle it", she whimpered. "I went into the Final absolutely wasted after a three-day cocaine, methamphetamine and vodka binge. I was so desperate that I even offered my body to Stavros Flatley, but he said he'd already got a crap body, and by the time it was my turn to sing I was out of my gourd on Vicodin and Buckfast Tonic Wine. I couldn't believe it when I lost".

Sources within the hotel revealed that after the shock decision, Susan returned to her London hotel, where she continued her orgy of alcohol, drugs and sex. However, the final straw came when she discovered that a video called 'One Night in Susan', featuring no-holds-barred film of her steamy encounter with judge Piers Morgan, was rising up the YouTube charts. Distraught, Susan demolished her hotel suite and attempted to drive a stolen minicab into the hotel pool, forcing the sensational decision to send her to The Priory, from where she exclusively spoke to me.

"It's all over for me now", Susan admitted. "All I've got left is a US tour, and a recording contract worth £6 million. It's hardly worth it".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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