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Monday, 18 May 2009

image for Secret transcript of Hazel Blears's lie detector test 'Better adjust the bell, gonna be ringing a lot with Hazel in the chair'

A transcript of a lie detector machine test on Secretary of Something or Other Hazel Blears MP was today leaked to the Daily Torygraph, and this is the transcript of the test:

MI5 Officer: Are you Hazel Blears MP?

Hazel Blears: Although mistakes were made with my name, at no time did my parents break any rules by calling me that, to wit, name

Officer: Please just answer 'yes' or 'no'
Officer: Have you knowingly made false expenses claims for your job as an MP?

Blears: No [Bell rings loudly, like fire alarm]

Officer: Were those claims simply for personal luxury goods and services?

Blears: Well -

Officer: Yes or no, please

Blears: No [Bell rings]

Officer: Are you the world champion at underwater cello playing?

Blears: No [Silence]

Officer: Did you make a nice big profit by selling a flat that was bought with public money?

Blears: No [Bell]

Officer: Would you have admitted you did that, if you hadn't been caught doing it

Blears: Yes [Bell]

Officer: Would you have paid the capital gains tax back if you hadn't been caught avoiding it?

Blears: Yes [Bell]

Officer: Will you still be an MP after the next general Election?

Blears: Yes [Bell]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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