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Tuesday, 12 May 2009

image for Pope does great stand-up routine in Jerusalem Benny doing his 'Two bombers over Berlin' sketch

Pope Benedict today did a great concert in Jerusalem, winning many standing ovations for his excellent and famously tasteless comedy routine. 'Hi!', he shouted, running on to the stage there, dressed as a woman, 'how're ya doing, Israel?', to loud cheers from the huge audience.

'A funny thing happened to me on the way here', he said. 'A woman shouted out 'We don't want you Nazi swine coming here to make fools of us!' and spat at me, so I shouted back 'No? Who do you usually get to come here and make fools of you?' [laughter]

'Then, I kid you not, an Arab came up to me and handed me a box that was making a strange ticking noise. 'Can you keep this for me in your office to use later?', he said, 'I know how bombs never go off whenever you plant them under desks!'' [applause]

'A Jew and an Arab and a German walk into a bar, and the barman says 'No Jews allowed', so the Jew shrugs and leaves the bar. Then, just as the Arab is about to order some drinks, the barman says 'No Arabs either'. So he leaves.'

'Then the German takes out a pistol and kills the barman, steals all the bar's drinks, and murders everyone in the neighbourhood in the most sickenly evil ways he can, and steals their money and houses before launching massive airstrikes on them.

''But', he says, 'I was only obeying orders!' Ba da boom!', and the crowd laughed at such jollity from the former Hitler Youth cheerleader, and British airmen killer.

'When I was in Berlin', the standup continued, 'I met this man with a funny moustache, and he said to me 'What do you think of Hitler?'. And I said 'I think he wears funny uniforms, and is always blaming somebody else for all his faults.' 'You'll go a long way', he replied.' [laughter]

'Two Nazis walk into a German concentration camp, full of thousands of Jewish slave labourers, looking for Jesus Christ, so they can get him to back their cause. They ask the first man they meet if he's Jesus. 'No, sir', he replies, 'I turned the other cheek, and ended up in here.'

The next man they question says 'Not me, pal, I'm not even Jewish, I'm a German socialist that decided not to join the Hitler Youth.' And the third one, called Saul, says:

'No, but I can ignore Jesus's teachings, arrange for mass-murdering wars across the world in his name, can repress women and encourage child abuse, can steal millions' worth of art treasures, and can make up stories about rising from the dead and lies about a man being immortal.'

'You're hired', say the Nazis, 'when can you start?' 'As soon as I've stepped over all these dead bodies'.' [roars of laughter from the audience]

The Pope's next gig is in Damascus. Let's just hope he doesn't meet any Protestants on the road to that city. Or Hindus or Muslims. Or Sikhs or Buddhists. Or ...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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